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Unhealth Food in School is a Negative Development

Unhealth Food in School is a Negative Development QL3nL
When I studied at a high school in Richmond Hill, Ontario, our cafeteria had a full set of unhealthy food targeted at students during lunch breaks. I insisted this is a negative development to do so due to a variety of reasons. First of all, I don't think it is a good idea to encourage students to bring money to the school for purchasing any food. Schools should be the facilities opening solely for education purposes, and any for-profit activity within schools should be prohibited because it would act as a major distraction for students around the place. I have met a bunch of high school classmates who brought cash to high school, and this would raise jealousy among students. Secondly, many food schools are selling right now contain too much calories, which means that students' health condition could not sustain as long as they ate these unhealthy food for a period of long time. One of my friend had Level I Diabetes after eating too much junk food in school, and we should prevent sad stories like this from taking place. What's more, we should refuse the selling of any sugary drinks in school because it is harmful to students' physical growth. Other than this, I believe the schools can make a lot of positive developments for the students. If some of the students cannot bring food to schools, government policymakers should helps these schools to set up cheap meal plans for the students. My high school, Richmond Green Secondary School, has effectively set up meal plans for students from mid-to-low income families. These meal plans could help students and their families to reduce financial burden.
When I studied at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in Richmond Hill, Ontario, our cafeteria had a full set of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
targeted at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
during lunch breaks. I insisted this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
due to a variety of reasons.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to bring money to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
for purchasing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
should be the facilities opening
solely
for education purposes, and any for-profit activity within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
be prohibited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would act as a major distraction for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
around the place. I have met a bunch of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
classmates who brought cash to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and this would raise jealousy among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are selling right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
contain too
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
calories, which means that students' health condition could not sustain as long as they ate these unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for a period of long time. One of my friend had
Possible agreement error – use past participle here: "leveled", "levelled".
Level
I Diabetes after eating too much junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
sad stories like this from taking place. What's more, we should refuse the selling of any sugary drinks in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is harmful to students' physical growth. Other than this, I believe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
developments for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. If
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
cannot bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policymakers should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "help"
helps
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to set up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
meal plans for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, Richmond Green Secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
, has
effectively
set up meal plans for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from mid-to-low income families. These meal plans could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and their families to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
financial burden.
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IELTS essay Unhealth Food in School is a Negative Development

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
277 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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