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Old people believe that traditional activities are more beneficial whereas adults believe that advanced activities are more beneficial than other. give your opinion. v.1

Old people believe that traditional activities are more beneficial whereas adults believe that advanced activities are more beneficial than other. give your opinion. v. 1
When it comes to an overall development of young ones, several people perceive that time-honoured activities have more advantages than advanced activities. If a question asked to me, I would like to give a positive opinion for both the activities. In the 21st century, technologies are developed in a way that traditional themes, games and activities's significance are decreased. On the 1st opinion, there should be the importance of time-honoured activities in all peoples' life. That activity is very beneficial in a career, whether it is a personal time or professional career. Traditional activities teach people how to live the life compare to advanced activities. Due to advanced games, young ones have been attracting towards the bad side, sometimes it turns into the crime. Traditional activities connect the family. Whereas, youth perceive that the advanced technologies or activities are more beneficial. There are many positive points about that too. Technologies are developed in a way that it connects people from one corner to another in the whole word. Advanced activities help people to develop their own personalities. These things make life easier. Due to these things, people have been connecting all over the word in the manner of games, business or in any other profession. On that note, I would like to give my opinion that, traditional activities have their own rights and importance. Due to progress of other activities, that's importance should not be decreased. Whereas that advanced technology has brought so many crimes compare to traditional. In conclusion, time-honoured activities are more beneficial than other and Old peoples' thinking is absolutely correct.
When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to an
overall
development of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceive that
Possible spelling mistake found.
time-honoured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have more advantages than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. If a question
This is a collocation error. You do not need a preposition after 'asked'. Remove it: "asked".
asked to
me, I would like to give a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
opinion for both the activities.

In the 21st century,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are developed
in a way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
themes, games and
Did you mean "activitie's" or "activities'"?
activities's
significance
are decreased
. On the 1st opinion, there should be the importance of
Possible spelling mistake found.
time-honoured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in all peoples' life. That
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial in a career, whether it is a personal time or professional career.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
the life compare to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
games, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
have been attracting towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
side,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it turns into the crime.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
connect the family.

Whereas, youth perceive that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are more beneficial. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points about that too.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technologies
are developed
in a way that it connects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from one corner to another in the whole word.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personalities. These things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life easier. Due to these things,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been connecting
Did you mean "all over the world" (=globally)?
all over the word
in the manner of games, business or in any other profession.

On that note, I would like to give my opinion that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
rights and importance. Due to progress of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, that's importance should not
be decreased
. Whereas that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
crimes compare to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
.
In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
time-honoured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are more beneficial than other and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Old
peoples' thinking is
absolutely
correct.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Old people believe that traditional activities are more beneficial whereas adults believe that advanced activities are more beneficial than other. give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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