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Old age people should be taken care by the government and it is not the responsibility of the family. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Old age people should be taken care by the government and it is not the responsibility of the family. v. 2
Advancement in technology and globalisation have transformed each facet of life and revolution is family structure is no exception. In the wake of various job opportunities people have migrated to other nations as a result concept of nuclear family has carved the cliche in the community. It has germinated a vehement argument that who should take care of old age people at home. Though I am convinced that parents have brought up the children and now is the time for them to pay the debt, but I disagree that it is only family’s responsibility and the government should not devise measures for the benefit of parents. To begin with, it is widely claimed that children are nothing without parents. Parents as guardian have taught everything from speaking to walking. Evidently, children should look after parents when they become old as it is not only a moral responsibility but also it is the duty as a son or daughter. On the flip side, I also agree that government must take adequate measures to assist old age people. On account of increasing social equality husband and wife both are working professionals in demanding work environments. Thus, looking after parents has become impossible. Moreover, relying on children will not be helpful for old age people as they will end up cooking foods and babysitting their grandchildren. Therefore, the cabinet must pass bills to facilitate old dwellers with monthly pensions and old age houses to help them in their difficult time. The old people have contributed to the country in many ways including paying the tax and the government should ensure their proper care from the fund the country has or from the money it collects from the taxpayers. To conclude, while relatives should accompany retired people in their need, but I am convinced that government must stamp out steps in the goodwill of these people.
Advancement in technology and
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
have transformed each facet of life and revolution is family structure is no exception. In the wake of various job opportunities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have migrated to other nations
as a result
concept of nuclear family has carved the
'cliche' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "cliché"
cliche
in the community. It has germinated a vehement argument that who should take care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at home. Though I
am convinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have brought up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is the time for them to pay the debt,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I disagree that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
family’s responsibility and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not devise measures for the benefit of parents.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is
widely
claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are nothing without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
as guardian have taught everything from speaking to walking.
Evidently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should look after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
as it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a moral responsibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it is the duty as a son or daughter.

On the flip side, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take adequate measures to assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. On account of increasing social equality husband and wife both are working professionals in demanding work environments.
Thus
, looking after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
has become impossible.
Moreover
, relying on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not be helpful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up cooking foods and babysitting their grandchildren.
Therefore
, the cabinet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pass bills to facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
dwellers with monthly pensions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their difficult time. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have contributed to the country in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways including paying the tax and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should ensure their proper care from the fund the country has or from the money it collects from the taxpayers.

To conclude
, while relatives should accompany retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their need,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
am convinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
stamp out steps in the goodwill of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Old age people should be taken care by the government and it is not the responsibility of the family. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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