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Obesity on children in today's social

Obesity on children in today's social yxOKP
Obesity is a unhealthy situation in which excessive body fat accumulates to a degree that adversely affects health. In the recent decades, childhood obesity is a rising issue for public health in many nations. In this essay is concerned with the basic causes and the possible alarming effects of obesity in children. In the with start, one of the primary causes which may influence overweight is unhealthy eating habits. For example, children like to enjoy too fast food, cake, candy and soft drink at their schools and their homes in everyday. Consequently, these imbalanced diet can cause children to gain weight. The second cause leads to obesity that is sedentary lifestyle. For instance, kids spend on much time in the whole day for watching television or playing online games instead of playing sports as football, tennis, basketball. As a result of the some major causes from obesity on children. Obesity can lead to a number of the  pathologies. The first effect is digestive system, it has been associated with a higher risk of gastroesophageal reflux disease. Moreover, it also increases the risk of developing gallstones. The second impact is respiratory system that means fat stored around the neck can make the airway too small, which can make difficult breathing at night so it’s name called sleep apnea. Finally, obesity can effect the mental state of children’s awareness by causing difficulties as depression, inferiority complex, reduced memorizing ability. Therefore, obesity influences their academic progress. In brief,   Obesity is a century disease which is created by imbalanced diet and less activities so it effects digestive system, respiratory system and mental status for children in a lot of countries. A healthy nutritional balanced diet is necessary for all ages, especially children. Therefore, their parents should be carefully for the choice of daily diet consumption which is low cholesterol and rich vitamins
Obesity is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
unhealthy situation in which excessive body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
accumulates to a degree that
adversely
affects health. In the recent decades, childhood obesity is a rising issue for public health in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. In this essay
is concerned
with the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and the possible alarming effects of obesity in children.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
the with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, one of the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
which may influence overweight is unhealthy eating habits.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
like to enjoy too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food, cake, candy and soft drink at their schools and their homes in
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.
Consequently
, these imbalanced diet can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to gain weight. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
leads to obesity
that is
sedentary lifestyle.
For instance
, kids spend on much time in the whole day for watching television or playing online games
instead
of playing sports as football, tennis, basketball.

“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result of the
Did you mean "same"?
some
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
from obesity on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Obesity can lead to a number of the
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
pathologies. The
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
is digestive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
, it has
been associated
with a higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of gastroesophageal reflux disease.
Moreover
, it
also
increases the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of developing gallstones. The second impact is respiratory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
that means
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
stored around the neck can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the airway too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
difficult breathing at night
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it’s name called sleep apnea.
Finally
, obesity can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
the mental state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
awareness by causing difficulties as depression, inferiority complex,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
memorizing ability.
Therefore
, obesity influences their academic progress.

In brief
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Obesity is a century disease which
is created
by imbalanced diet and
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun activities is countable.
less
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it effects digestive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
, respiratory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
and mental status for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
countries. A healthy nutritional balanced diet is necessary for all ages,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, their parents should be
carefully
for the choice of daily diet consumption which is low cholesterol and rich vitamins
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IELTS essay Obesity on children in today's social

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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