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Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. alBN9
Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about the influence that youngsters benefit from watching television, playing video games, and playing computer games. However, whether children will take many benefits from spending time to entertain on the electrical device or bring bad influent to their life is a controversial issue. My view is that leisure on technology device will have an adverse effect on kids. First, it is obvious that for most children beeing poor eyesight or having to suffer from eye diseases after enjoyed watching television and playing computer games. This is because the radiation emitted by these electronic devices has a direct impact on children's vision. So, if these rays are exposed to youngsters for an extended period of time, they can cause hazardous conditions such as impaired vision and even eye cancer. Moreover, there is no doubt that there are many inviduals will be reduced learning capacity. For example, many children have the habit of playing games after school because they believe they need to relax after a long day at school. Consequencely, when they waste much time to enjoy with watching television, or playing computer games, they will be became lazy and even not interested in study any longer. Many people have argued that the gamer will have the opportunity of communicating with and making new friends from all over the world who share his or her passion for gaming. But, unfortunately, the number of people with weak communication abilities in real life is increasing every day. In conclusion, the phenomenon of digital games poses a significant risk to children's health, both physically and psychologically, such as damaging their eyes, impairing communication skills, and so on. Meanwhile, we cannot ignore the advantages they provide to children. As a result, it will be extremely beneficial to children's lives if parents know how to set aside sufficient time, are interested in entertaining their children, and purchase necessary products to avoid phone radiation, such as eyeglasses and eye tonic.
Nowadays, an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are concerned
about the influence that youngsters benefit from watching television,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
However
, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits from spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to entertain on the electrical device or bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake found.
influent
to their life is a controversial issue. My view is that leisure on technology device will have an adverse effect on kids.

First
, it is obvious that for most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake found.
beeing
poor eyesight or having to suffer from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eye
diseases after enjoyed watching television and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the radiation emitted by these electronic devices has a direct impact on children's vision.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if these rays
are exposed
to youngsters for an extended period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they can cause hazardous conditions such as impaired vision and even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eye
cancer.

Moreover
, there is no doubt that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
inviduals
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
learning capacity.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
after school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe they need to relax after a long day at school.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Consequencely
, when they waste much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to enjoy with watching television, or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they will be
Consider using a past participle here: "become".
became
lazy and even not interested in study any longer.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have argued that the gamer will have the opportunity of communicating with and making new friends from all over the world who share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
passion for gaming.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, unfortunately, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with weak communication abilities in real life is increasing every day.

In conclusion
, the phenomenon of digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
poses a significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to children's health, both
physically
and
psychologically
, such as damaging their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eyes
, impairing communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Meanwhile, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the advantages they provide to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
As a result
, it will be
extremely
beneficial to children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if parents know how to set aside sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
are interested
in entertaining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
necessary products to avoid phone radiation, such as eyeglasses and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eye
tonic.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
331 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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