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Obesity is a growing concern in countries around the world the main reason for the increase in the number of obese people is the development of technology. Computers, smartphones and other devices made people's lives more sedentary. Do you agree or disagree with this?

Obesity is a growing concern in countries around the world the main reason for the increase in the number of obese people is the development of technology. Computers, smartphones and other devices made people's lives more sedentary. with this? BWyN6
According to the views of some, more and more people are putting weight in the places of the world because of the modern technologies. For example, laptops, phones, and other things are making human lives easy but inactive. While I partially agree that, there are still other reasons such as beverages and junk foods. Nowadays, people are living more effortlessly than they used to. To make human life more comfortable, lots of technologies are being manufactured. Many actions are being done just by passing one button. These effortless actions are causing people's obesity. For example, in the past people tended to go shopping, walk through the market for lots of hours to choose clothes or other things. Today, people can find anything on the internet that they want without going out. In a few minutes, chosen products will be delivered by service of delivery. Interestingly, modern cars are being driven by a computer system by only entering the address while even people are sleeping in the car. On the other hand, lots of people are affected by drinking beverages such as brands of Coca-Cola, Pepsi. In fact, a 2015 study attributed 184000 global deaths each year to the consumption of sugary drinks. The body will be a tendency to gain weight when a person drinks such beverages. Furthermore, more and more people are going out to eat junk foods such as burgers and pizzas. These foods have huge toxic effects on the body. Interestingly, adults go out to eat with their children and let them eat junk foods. In conclusion, technologies are counted main reason for obesity, junk foods stand out as the reason for obesity too. I think that if people lived actively and ate homemade foods, obesity might decrease.
According to the views of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are putting weight in the places of the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the modern technologies.
For example
, laptops, phones, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things are making human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
easy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
inactive. While I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that, there are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reasons such as beverages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
foods.

Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living more
effortlessly
than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
human life more comfortable, lots of technologies are
being manufactured
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
actions are
being done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by passing one button. These effortless actions are causing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's obesity.
For example
, in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tended to go shopping, walk through the market for lots of hours to choose clothes or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can find anything on the internet that they want without going out. In a few minutes, chosen products will
be delivered
by service of delivery.
Interestingly
, modern cars are
being driven
by a computer system by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
entering the address while even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are sleeping in the car.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by drinking beverages such as brands of Coca-Cola, Pepsi. In fact, a 2015 study attributed 184000 global deaths each year to the consumption of sugary drinks. The body will be a tendency to gain weight when a person drinks such beverages.
Furthermore
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are going out to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
such as burgers and pizzas. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
have huge toxic effects on the body.
Interestingly
, adults go out to eat with their children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
foods.

In conclusion
, technologies
are counted
main reason for obesity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
stand out as the reason for obesity too. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
actively
and ate homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, obesity might decrease.
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IELTS essay Obesity is a growing concern in countries around the world the main reason for the increase in the number of obese people is the development of technology. Computers, smartphones and other devices made people's lives more sedentary. with this?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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