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personal statement for computer science

personal statement for computer science AabE1
Nowadays the computer became one of the most important things that have ever been made in life. Once upon a time, my parents were traveling abroad, and my brothers and I were at my aunt’s house to spend the holidays there until my parents came back. Early in the morning, I was the first to wake up from sleep. I didn’t find anyone to spend my time with, everyone was sleeping. I always saw my aunt using her computer, so I was curious. What was inside that thing and what could be done with it, her computer was on the table, so I went to it. Suddenly, my aunt woke up and saw me sitting at the table at the computer, she decided to turn it on for me and opened a game for me to play with. This was the first time I used a computer and the first video game I played in my life. I was only six years old and this is where my journey into this world began. At the age of 12, my first experience in programming was when I was playing the popular video game Minecraft. I beat the game more than once, so I started getting bored of repeating it, so I and my friends who were playing with them decided to add our own touch to the game. There were add-ons called Mods that we had to download from the internet and then install in the game files. All these things and games taught me a lot of things in the computer world. Then I decided to make my own Mods, so I went to YouTube to learn how to do that. It required me to learn the Java programming language because the game was programmed in this language, and then I gradually started learning it until I mastered making Mods in it. I opened my first online store to get some money. It was renting cloud services such as servers and other things. The store was very successful. My parents were surprised by the amount and source of money that I was earning. I depended on myself financially at that time, as I bought myself my first computer and also I bought some things that I wished and loved. This was my journey in the world of networks. I learned a lot and gained important skills from this field. Then I started learning to program websites and learned many new skills such as HTML, CSS, AND SQL, so I started programming some websites for my relatives and friends, they were impressed with me. My goal and ambition are to graduate and then work in the field of computers to help my country towards electronic and technical development and then try to invent things that may help and facilitate people's lives.
Nowadays the computer became one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things that have ever
been made
in life.

Once upon a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, my parents were traveling abroad, and my brothers and I were at my aunt’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
to spend the holidays there until my parents came back. Early in the morning, I was the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
to wake up from sleep. I didn’t find anyone to spend my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with, everyone was sleeping. I always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
my aunt using her computer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I was curious. What was inside that thing and what could
be done
with it, her computer was on the table,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I went to it.
Suddenly
, my aunt woke up and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
me sitting at the table at the computer, she decided to turn it on for me and opened a game for me to play with. This was the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
a computer and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
video game I played in my life. I was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
six years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and this is where my journey into this world began.

At the age of 12, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
experience in programming was when I was playing the popular video game Minecraft. I beat the game more than once,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
getting
In standard English it's more accepted to use "bored with" or "bored by".
bored of
repeating it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I and my friends who were playing with them decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
touch to the game. There were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
-ons called Mods that we had to download from the internet and then install in the game files. All these things and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
taught me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things in the computer world. Then I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Mods,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I went to YouTube to learn how to do that. It required me to learn the Java programming language
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the game
was programmed
in this language, and then I
gradually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
learning it until I mastered making Mods in it.

I opened my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
online store to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money. It was renting cloud services such as servers and other things. The store was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
successful. My parents
were surprised
by the amount and source of money that I was earning. I depended on myself
financially
at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
myself my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
computer and
also
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things that I wished and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
. This was my journey in the world of networks. I learned a lot and gained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from this field.

Then I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
learning to program websites and learned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as HTML, CSS, AND SQL,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
programming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
websites for my relatives and friends, they
were impressed
with me.

My goal and ambition are to graduate and then work in the field of computers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
my country towards electronic and technical development and then try to invent things that may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and facilitate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
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IELTS essay personal statement for computer science

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
470 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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