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obesity are becoming more and more popular, especially with children. what cause this and what solution can we make to help preventing this problem

obesity are becoming more and more popular, especially with children. what cause this and what solution can we make to help preventing this problem NwBLj
In today's modern society, corpulent and obese children are creating hostages to fortune not just for themselves but also for people all around the world. More and more children have faced up to obesity and their parents are getting disquiet. We wondered what causes this and what we can do to prevent obesity from spreading worldwide. To begin with, there maybe plenty of reason for this problem. In terms of objective causes, we are living in 4. 0 technology era, which means numerous of technology tools and assisted devices has been manufactured. Therefore, it creates laziness and indolently among children. In addition, fast-food and unhealthy food are becoming popular and commonplace for people, especially teenagers and children. More and more fast-food are being utilized and consumed everyday. On the other hand, subjective causes have a major impact on children's obesity problem. The lack of awareness about unhealthy food from children is threatening them regarding physical harm. Moreover, the upheaval and resurgence of computer games made children addicted to it and barely keep in touch with friends, family, relatives, etc. In order to make this problem comes to a standstill, it requires some solutions. Parents and school play an important role in children's life, children need to be educated, need to be aware of which are beneficial and harmful for their physique. Just motivate them to do some exercise in daily routine and consecutively, have some fun with them by playing sport. However, the best remedy and maybe the fundamental of preventing obesity this children's mentally themself. They ought to limit the number of time eating fast-food and unhealthy food. Furthermore, creating habit by staying away from some useless computer games and start playing sports and doing exercise also help. To reiterate, every problem has its own solution, we should homologate that obesity is becoming more and more dangerous, specially for children; however, this is conquerable and with the right solution, we can prevent it once and for all.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modern society, corpulent and obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are creating hostages to fortune not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all around the world. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have faced up to obesity and their parents are getting disquiet. We wondered what causes this and what we can do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
obesity from spreading worldwide. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there maybe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of reason for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. In terms of objective causes, we are living in 4. 0 technology
Possible agreement error. The noun 'era' seems to be countable, so consider using: "eras".
era
, which means numerous of technology tools and assisted devices has
been manufactured
.
Therefore
, it creates laziness and
indolently
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food and unhealthy food are becoming popular and commonplace for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. More and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food are
being utilized
and consumed
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.
On the other hand
, subjective causes have a major impact on children's obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. The lack of awareness about unhealthy food from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is threatening them regarding physical harm.
Moreover
, the upheaval and resurgence of computer games made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
addicted to it and
barely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with friends, family, relatives, etc.

In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to a standstill, it requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions. Parents and school play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in children's life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to
be educated
, need to be aware of which are beneficial and harmful for their physique.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
motivate them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise in daily routine and
consecutively
, have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fun with them by playing sport.
However
, the best remedy and maybe the fundamental of preventing obesity
Did you mean "these"?
this
children's mentally
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
themself
. They ought to limit the number of time eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food and unhealthy food.
Furthermore
, creating habit by staying away from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useless computer games and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
playing sports and doing exercise
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

To reiterate, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
solution, we should
Possible spelling mistake found.
homologate
that obesity is becoming more and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
,
specially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
;
however
, this is conquerable and with the right solution, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it once and for all.

IELTS essay obesity are becoming more and more popular, especially with children. what cause this and what solution can we make to help preventing this problem

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
328 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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