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Nowadays, young people spend too much of their time shopping mall

Nowadays, young people spend too much of their time shopping mall 962Rw
In contemporary life, many youngsters have a tendency to spend most of their leisure time going shopping as an entertaining activity. Some people believe that this trend would harmfully affect teenagers themselves as well as the community. From my point of view, I strongly agree with that school of thought because of the reasons below. Grantedly, young adults in modern life could form their own interests in terms of shopping to recharge their batteries after a hectic and strenuous working day. However, in order to afford their demands of buying goods, several teenagers would push themselves towards doing part-time jobs to make money. Hence, those jobs works might distract youngsters from studying at schools or universities, which leads to the reduction of time spent on study, for studies and improving grades and afflict their academic performance as well as teenagers’ career paths ahead. On a social level, the trend could impact the general economy and security. Many youngsters having tight budgets could fall into debt as they became obsessed with shopping. When they were not able to pay for those, teenagers with their immaturity could engage in illegal activities such as robbery, or shoplifting; thus, forming a bad habits lurking in society. Also, it could create burdens on the government's financial resources since some people could not afford to repay the bad debts. To sum up, I am convinced that the trend of going to shopping malls in their spare time would adversely influence young people and also the community.
In contemporary life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters have a tendency to spend most of their leisure time going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as an entertaining activity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this trend would
harmfully
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
themselves
as well
as the community. From my point of view, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons below.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Grantedly
, young adults in modern life could form their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interests in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
to recharge their batteries after a hectic and strenuous working day.
However
, in order to afford their demands of buying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
would push themselves towards doing part-time jobs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money.
Hence
, those jobs works might distract youngsters from studying at schools or universities, which leads to the reduction of time spent on study, for studies and improving grades and afflict their academic performance
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
career paths ahead.

On a social level, the trend could impact the general economy and security.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
youngsters having tight budgets could fall into debt as they became obsessed with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. When they were not able to pay for those,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
with their immaturity could engage in illegal activities such as robbery, or shoplifting;
thus
, forming a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits lurking in society.
Also
, it could create burdens on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's financial resources since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
could not afford to repay the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
debts.

To sum up, I
am convinced
that the trend of going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls in their spare time would
adversely
influence young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
also
the community.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, young people spend too much of their time shopping mall

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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