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Nowadays, young people admire media and sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.3

It goes without saying that, most of the teenagers these days admire celebrities which they like, however sometimes it takes them to the wrong direction. I strongly believe that this is the negative development which we want to abandon. So let us examine both perspectives before reaching a concrete decision. Firstly, many athletes have a positive impact on the younger generation which led them to evolve better in career and life. As an example, many athletes come from the rural area and because of their hard work and struggle they grow and become famous so sometimes this influences the younger generation to work hard for their future. Moreover many sports stars and tv stars have scheduled their daily tasks like when they exercise, training etc. So this also influences adults to schedule their work on a daily basis. Apart from that most of the time celebrities shower bad influence on teenagers which affect negatively in their life. An example is, many celebrities are addicted to bad habits like drugs, alcohol and sex which create bad result on the adults and sometimes it also make their life and health vulnerable. Secondly teenagers want to look like them, they want to wear costly clothes, costly jewellery and many more which attract them but many teenagers belong to the poor family so their parents do not afford these things so this makes them take the wrong step. In short, sometimes youngsters got a bad influence and admired the wrong person which led them to the acquired bad habits and in future this made their life so difficult. From my perspective this is the negative development that needs to be abandoned.
It goes without saying that, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
these days admire celebrities which they like,
however
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
it takes them to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
direction. I
strongly
believe that this is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development which we want to abandon.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us examine both perspectives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a concrete decision.

Firstly
,
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many
athletes have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the younger generation which led them to evolve better in career and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. As an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the rural area and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and struggle they grow and become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
this
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influences
the younger generation to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for their future.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sports stars and
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
stars have scheduled their daily tasks like when they exercise, training etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influences
adults to schedule their work on a daily basis.

Apart from that most of the time celebrities shower
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bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
which affect
negatively
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. An example is,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
habits like drugs, alcohol and sex which create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
result on the
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
adults and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
it
also
After ‘it’, use the third-person verb form “makes”.
make
their
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life
and health vulnerable.
Secondly
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teenagers
want to look like them, they want to wear costly clothes, costly
Possible spelling mistake. ‘jewellery’ is British English.
jewellery
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more which attract
Use a comma before ‘but’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
belong to the poor
Use a comma before ‘so’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their parents do not afford these things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them take the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
step.

In short,
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sometimes
youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
and admired the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
person which led them to the acquired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
habits and in future this made their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
difficult.

From my perspective this is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development that needs to
be abandoned
.
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IELTS essay Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
277 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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