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Nowadays, We Can Watch Entertainment Performance From The Screen And No Need To Watch It Live.

Nowadays, We Can Watch Entertainment Performance From The Screen And No Need To Watch It Live. KYod6
People have different opinions about what contributes to financial success/achievement. While some of them believe that the main factor contributing to an improvement in their monetary situation is their hard work, I do not agree with them. In my opinion, the increment in earnings depends on numerous factorst is true that there are several lines of evidence supporting the view that people can obtain more financial benefits by working hard. To be more specific, for ordinary workers, through this method, they can create better work performance, and thus earn higher salaries since in most companies, salaries are determined by performance/results. In addition, it is possible for entrepreneurs to earn more by devoting more time to their work, identifying and recruiting talent and focusing on delivering products or services that cater to the needs of the customer. However, I agree with those who believe that several factors contribute to financial gain, and mere dedication cannot facilitate monetary success beyond a certain extent. For example, most people engaging in manual labour work really hard and yet they do not earn much. By contrast, those who have white collar jobs earn considerably higher salaries due to their mastery of professional knowledge and skills, and this can explain the view that the secret of monetary gain is a combination of other factors and hard work. In addition, there are also some extreme situations where some people have obtained massive wealth from their ancestors, and such monetary achievement is not related to working hard. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the factors contributing to financial accomplishment are not restricted to individuals’ dedication, but vary from person to person, depending on their own situations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions about what contributes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
success/achievement. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them believe that the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
contributing to an improvement in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
situation is their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them. In my opinion, the increment in earnings depends on numerous
Possible spelling mistake found.
factorst
is true that there are several lines of evidence supporting the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can obtain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
benefits by working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
. To be more specific, for ordinary workers, through this method, they can create better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance, and
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
higher salaries since in most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, salaries
are determined
by performance/results.
In addition
, it is possible for entrepreneurs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more by devoting more time to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, identifying and recruiting talent and focusing on delivering products or services that cater to the needs of the customer.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who believe that several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
gain, and mere dedication cannot facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
success beyond a certain extent.
For example
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
engaging in manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
really
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hard and
yet
they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
much. By contrast, those who have white collar jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
considerably
higher salaries due to their mastery of professional knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the view that the secret of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
gain is a combination of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In addition
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extreme situations where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have obtained massive wealth from their ancestors, and such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
achievement is not related to working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
.
In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
contributing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
accomplishment are not restricted to individuals’ dedication,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
vary from person to person, depending on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
situations.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, We Can Watch Entertainment Performance From The Screen And No Need To Watch It Live.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
278 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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