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Nowadays the way of people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways technology affected the types of relationship between people? Has this become a positive or negative development?

Nowadays the way of people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways technology affected the types of relationship between people? Has this become a positive or negative development? 58KV
As the technology developing in recent years, individuals' way of communication has altered. This development created online relationship between humans and this change has bring some disadvantages for people. In 21st century the digital world has overdeveloped and people are preferring to communicate by using them than traditional ways. Today we have variety of social media networks in order to interact each other. People use them to get on touch with their relatives and friends. In some cases they are making friends worldwide with the help of that networks. Even some individuals expanding their knowledge by exchanging it with the friends they make online. To give an example, there is an social media application named Facebook which enables people to share their opinions and get comment from others who have different views in this area. There are two main reasons why technologies are making the relationship between people worse. First of all, virtual world opens doors to make fake relationships, and this is due to the reason that people cannot know weather the person, who is their online mate, is lying or not. Even some people making money with their social media accounts by cheating others and stealing their money. For example, last year, a young man earned a huge amount of money on the internet. He said everyone that he had a serious illness and he need money to get some treatment, but he was completely healthy and arrested by police for this illegal job. Second reason is that this action is causing people to have less face to face communication. As a result of this individuals losing the sense of love and friendship. To sum up, technology is helping people to get in touch with each other easily but it has some downsides which are mentioned above.
As the technology developing in recent years, individuals' way of communication has altered. This development created online relationship between humans and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
has
Use past participle here: "brought".
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In 21st century the digital world has overdeveloped and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are preferring
to communicate by using them than traditional ways.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
we have variety of social media networks in order to interact each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
on touch with their relatives and friends. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases they are making friends worldwide with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of that networks. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals expanding their knowledge by exchanging it with the friends they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
online. To give an example, there is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
social media application named Facebook which enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to share their opinions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
comment from others who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views in this area.

There are two main reasons why technologies are making the relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worse.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, virtual world opens doors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fake relationships, and this is due to the reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
Did you mean "now"?
know
Did you mean "whether"?
weather
the person, who is their online mate, is lying or not. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with their social media accounts by cheating others and stealing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, last year, a young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
earned a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the internet. He said everyone that he had a serious
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
illness and
he need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
treatment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he was completely healthy and arrested by police for this illegal job. Second reason is that this action is causing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have less face to face communication.
As a result
of this individuals losing the sense of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and friendship.

To sum up, technology is helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
easily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
downsides which
are mentioned
above.
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IELTS essay Nowadays the way of people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways technology affected the types of relationship between people? Has this become a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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