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Nowadays, the number of young adult people is massively more than number of elderly people in some countries

Nowadays, the number of young adult people is massively more than number of elderly people in some countries 9lVwX
Nowadays, the sum of people who aged around 25 years is massively more than number of elderly people in some nations. In my personal opinion, there are more merits than drawbacks according to the benefits from youngsters and their opportunities to reach their goals. Undoubtedly, benefits from young adults more than older people. As it is said, the future is in the hands of youth. Now, the vast majority of these people work with excellent salary or they have own occupation. Therefore, tax or fine could be paid by them. In contrast, plenty of old people depend on social welfare. Youth can work, earn money and give money to government instead of these elderly people. In addition, youthful populations are more active and happy and they can increase the productivity of country and give more creativity for community by doing such programs volunteering, charity and concerning to the arts. Furthermore, the persistence of young adults might be reason of development of country. Youngsters have more possibility to reach their targets than elderly people. Therefore, they can always reach them and develop their country. In addition, they have less age-associated illness leading them to work efficiently. As well as this, the workforce can be grow up if there are higher scale of young people. To illustrate with example, many foreign companies have developed their factories in the state because of the huge workforce available. To sum up, I entirely believe that the advantages of such a situation easily overcome its disadvantages.
Nowadays, the sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who aged around 25 years is
massively
more than number of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations. In my personal opinion, there are more merits than drawbacks according to the benefits from youngsters and their opportunities to reach their goals.

Undoubtedly
, benefits from young adults more than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As it
is said
, the future is in the hands of youth.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, the vast majority of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work with excellent
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
salary or
they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
occupation.
Therefore
, tax or fine could
be paid
by them.
In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
depend on social welfare. Youth can work, earn money and give money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
instead
of these elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
In addition
, youthful populations are more active and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
happy and
they can increase the productivity of country and give more creativity for community by doing such programs volunteering, charity and concerning to the arts.

Furthermore
, the persistence of young adults might be reason of development of country. Youngsters have more possibility to reach their targets than elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
, they can always reach them and develop their country.
In addition
, they have less age-associated illness leading them to work
efficiently
.
As well
as this, the workforce can be
Consider using the past participle "grown"?
grow
up if there are higher scale of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To illustrate with example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
foreign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have developed their factories in the state
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the huge workforce available.

To sum up, I
entirely
believe that the advantages of such a situation
easily
overcome its disadvantages.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, the number of young adult people is massively more than number of elderly people in some countries

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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