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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

These days technology is developing to use monitors to find what people are doing and how they are acting, for instance with the help of security cameras and telephones. I think it is advantageous for people, because there are many reasons for this. For instance with the help of cameras government will have tendency to avoid a big robbery or theft. However it is not such a good idea to watch person's life every day, because has their own things to do, like personal things (clothing, eating and others). As a general rule person can't or hasn't any condition to rob with this under cameras. Others think that "personal life is not for public" By this they mean the cameras which are for giving informations how people act is completely worse to people. To conclude I can say this is not true because of some basic facts.
These
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
technology is developing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
monitors to find what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are doing and how they are acting,
for instance
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of security
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
and telephones. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this.
For instance
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will have tendency to avoid a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
robbery or theft.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it is not such a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
person's life every day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
things to do, like personal things (clothing, eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
). As a general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
person can't or hasn't any condition to rob with this under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
. Others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
personal life is not for public
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
By this they mean the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
which are for giving
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
act is completely worse to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
To conclude
I can say this is not true
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic facts.

IELTS essay Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
147 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?