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Nowadays, some parents put pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this. Is this a positive or negative development? v.3

Nowadays, some parents put pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 3
in the modern world, we are living in a competitive society, which is every individual trying to reach life goals and dreams to become successful. Nowadays, parents are forcing their children to become successful. However, studies show there are many negative effects on the children who force to perform. Firstly, many researchers have proven, freedom in childhood is essential for the development of the human brain. During a very young age, children learning them by studying world behaviours. It is often that every individual has seen, the world in different views also their desire and interest will not be the same. But many parents expect their children to become a doctor or an engineer. As an example, if some students like art, but the parent will force to do science those students will struggle in their life due to the lack of interest. Secondly, children need to interact with nature and beauty, also they need love and freedom to think. Nowadays it is often seen that many children attend classes, at an early age consequently they don't have much time to spend quality time with their parents. This may lead to a serious mental problem. Furthermore, there is a possibility, those who don't spend quality life with their families and nature, to become insensitive people in the future. Finally, I believe that the attention of parent is important to achieve the success of children, But mother and father need to understand their children and listen to their ideas and choose their path.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
the modern world, we are living in a competitive society, which is every individual trying to reach life goals and dreams to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
successful. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are forcing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
successful.
However
, studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who force
Did you mean "performing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to perform
.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researchers have proven, freedom in childhood is essential for the development of the human brain. During a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learning them by studying world
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
that every individual has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, the world in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views
also
their desire and interest will not be the same.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a doctor or an engineer. As an example, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students like art,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
will force
Did you mean "doing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to do
science those students will struggle in their life due to the lack of interest.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to interact with nature and beauty,
also
they need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
. Nowadays it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
attend classes, at an early age
consequently
they don't have much time to spend quality time with their parents.

This may lead to a serious mental problem.
Furthermore
, there is a possibility, those who don't spend quality life with their families and nature, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
insensitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the future.

Finally
, I believe that the attention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to achieve the success of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
mother and father need to understand their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and listen to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and choose their path.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, some parents put pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
252 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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