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Nowadays, some older people choose to live in retirement communities with people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, some older people choose to live in retirement communities with people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development? O1n7
In this contemporary era, a number of seniors prefer to live in retiral groups instead of spending their lives with their grown-up kids. Although, this trend has several drawbacks, I personally think that it is overall a positive development. To embark with, send olds to retirement communities brings new problems. Firstly, it may cause financial pressure towards adult children since some retirement communities need expensive pay. Secondly, some communities do not take care of these people and work that needs to be performed in a role and the functions that an employee is accountable for. I believe even if olds live in retirement communities, it also necessary for their kids to visit to them frequently. And I think good caring in communities give more benefits than being abandon at home to elder people. Moreover, Young adults need to spend more time on work for their future promotion so it means they have to spend less time with their family members, their elder parents, mostly. When adult children go outside to work, old people have to stay at home alone and they may feel isolate which may cause mental problems to them in a long term. Furthermore, being alone at home also means elder people acquire no help when they meet emergencies such as slipping on floor or fall down from stage. So, when retirement communities can provide caring equipment and a place for many elder people to chat and live, there is no strange for why many old people want to live in it. Summarizing up, retirement homes are rather a better option for the elderly owing to the fact that it is almost impossible for young adults to stay like a constant companion with their parents all the time.
In this contemporary era, a number of seniors prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
retiral
groups
instead
of spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
with their grown-up kids. Although, this trend has several drawbacks, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
overall
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

To embark with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
olds to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
brings new problems.
Firstly
, it may cause financial pressure towards adult children since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
need expensive pay.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
do not take care of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and work that needs to
be performed
in a role and the functions that an employee is accountable for. I believe even if olds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
,
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
also
necessary for their kids to visit to them
frequently
. And I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
caring in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
give more benefits than being abandon at home to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Moreover
, Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
need to spend more time on work for their future promotion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it means they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend less time with their family members, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
parents,
mostly
. When adult children go outside to work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay at home
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
alone and
they may feel isolate which may cause mental problems to them in a long term.
Furthermore
, being alone at home
also
means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
acquire no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
emergencies such as slipping on floor or fall down from stage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
can provide caring equipment and a place for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to chat and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
, there is no strange for why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in it.

Summarizing up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
are
rather
a better option for the elderly owing to the fact that it is almost impossible for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
to stay like a constant companion with their parents all the time.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, some older people choose to live in retirement communities with people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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