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Nowadays shops have extended opening hours almost every day of the week in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development for shoppers and local community? v.2

Nowadays shops have extended opening hours almost every day of the week in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development for shoppers and local community? v. 2
I fully agree with the above statement that the penalty must be sterner than the normal one. We will discuss about the advantages of doing so in the upcoming paragraphs. First of all, we will talk about the traffic signals which are jumped by everyone because there is very less fine for this offence and nobody is catching them. So there must be e – Challan system and CCTV cameras must be installed everywhere. A heavy fine will be imposed on the defaulters. We can see that, when the government has increased the fined for the different- different acts, then the people start using helmets etc. For the safety. So this is a very good idea. Major accidents can be also controlled by the government. Secondly, we can also say that the amount which is collected by the government that will be also very much. The government must spend those amounts on the roads and for the convenience of the general public. We can see that the transportations are very poor for the general people. Road are bumpy and are in worst condition. They should be repaired with those amounts. For example, the major accidents are happening as the suitable light is not present at night or the roads are bumpy. If the car is moving very fast and suddenly two-way road ends and single way starts, but the driver was unaware about it and he hit the car in the divider. At the end, I can be said that the government should fix hard rules for the illegal activities. After declaring hard and fast rules, the general public can be controlled and the traffic can be also managed
I
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above statement that the penalty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be sterner than the normal one. We will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
advantages of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in the upcoming paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we will talk about the traffic signals which
are jumped
by everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less fine for this
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
and nobody is catching them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be e
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
Possible spelling mistake found.
Challan
system and CCTV cameras
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be installed
everywhere. A heavy fine will
be imposed
on the defaulters. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has increased the fined for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
acts, then the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
using helmets etc. For the safety.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Major accidents can be
also
controlled by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Secondly
, we can
also
say that the amount which
is collected
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
that will be
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend those amounts on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
and for the convenience of the
Consider using "public".
general public
. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the transportations are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
poor for the general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Road
are bumpy and are in
A determiner is probably missing here: "the worst".
worst
condition. They should
be repaired
with those amounts.
For example
, the major accidents are happening as the suitable light is not present at night or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
are bumpy. If the car is moving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and
suddenly
two-way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
ends and single way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the driver was unaware about
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
he hit the car in the divider.

At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I can
be said
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for the illegal activities. After declaring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, the
Consider using "public".
general public
can
be controlled
and the traffic can be
also
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
managed
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays shops have extended opening hours almost every day of the week in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development for shoppers and local community? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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