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Nowadays, professionals are leaving their countries for better developed countries. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, professionals are leaving their countries for better developed countries. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? qkweG
In this day and age, every person wants to become successful, improve their life standards and move forward from third world country to developed one. Therefore, the majority of humanity goes to abroad with their family for better lifestyle and workplace. It is my firm belief that drawbacks of moving another country with more opportunities outweigh the advantages. To commence with, one of the major benefits of moving aboard is getting an opportunity to learn the foreign cultures and linguistics. This is because the employees from every corner of the country arrive in the workplace. So, if a person develops a career in the foreign land, it will not only make them familiar with the working atmosphere, but also broads one's knowledge. Another visible advantage of moving is the pension gap can be filled by the contributions of new young workers and they also pay taxes. Immigrants bring energy and innovation to the country and migrants are more prepared to take on low paid, low skilled jobs. Therefore, they cause to reduce any labor shortages. On the other hand, I believe that when a family migrates to a foreign nation, individuals will encounter a lot of difficulties and challenges. First of all, each member of the family is adopting and engaging in the new environment, traditions and costumes of the place that the they settle in. In this case they could not be accustomed to them, person will be likely to suffer from depression or stress, thus, this will have negative effects on the development of each member. For instance, my cousin and his family decided to move to America to live, however, after couple years, they came back to Baku since cannot adapt to a new environment in America. Moreover, travelling with family can cause a financial burden in an individual as well. Living in another state with someone would cost high because the person will pay all expenses for housing such as bills, lease and groceries. Additionally, individual cannot rely on a particular job they will work hard to nourish their families. Although some advantages are associated with relocation, I believe that the disadvantages of moving to developed country outfield the advantages.
In this day and age, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
wants to become successful,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their life standards and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward from third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to developed one.
Therefore
, the majority of humanity
There isn't usually a preposition before "abroad". Did you mean "goes abroad"?
goes to abroad
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
for better lifestyle and workplace. It is my firm belief that drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with more opportunities outweigh the advantages.

To commence with, one of the major benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
aboard is getting an opportunity to learn the foreign cultures and linguistics. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the employees from every corner of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
arrive in the workplace.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
develops a career in the foreign land, it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them familiar with the working atmosphere,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
broads one's knowledge. Another visible advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
is the pension gap can
be filled
by the contributions of new young
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
workers and
they
also
pay taxes. Immigrants bring energy and innovation to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and migrants are more prepared to take on low paid, low skilled jobs.
Therefore
, they cause to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
any labor shortages.

On the other hand
, I believe that when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
migrates to a foreign nation, individuals will encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
difficulties and challenges.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, each member of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is adopting and engaging in the new environment, traditions and costumes of the place that
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "they"?
the they
settle in.
In this case
they could not
be accustomed
to them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will be likely to suffer from depression or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
thus
, this will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the development of each member.
For instance
, my cousin and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to America to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
,
however
, after couple years, they came back to Baku since cannot adapt to a new environment in America.
Moreover
, travelling with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can cause a financial burden in an individual
as well
. Living in another state with someone would cost high
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will pay all expenses for housing such as bills, lease and groceries.
Additionally
, individual cannot rely on a particular job they will work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to nourish their families.

Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages
are associated
with relocation, I believe that the disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
outfield the advantages.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, professionals are leaving their countries for better developed countries. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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