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Nowadays online shopping is extremely popular. Discuss the impact of it on the environment and on people who lost their jobs because of it. v.6

Nowadays online shopping is extremely popular. Discuss the impact of it on the environment and on people who lost their jobs because of it. v. 6
It is true that as internet enormously affects many aspects of our life, online shopping has taken over many businesses of shops in reality in some cases. This essay will state the influences that online stores have imposed on the environment and the unemployment of those closed merchandises. To begin with, extra packages and substantial deliveries have burdened heavily on the environment. The central reason behind this is twofold, firstly, extra foams and cardboard boxes lead to more waste and garbage to a substantial number of cities, requiring more labour and machine hours to clean and dispose, even littering seriously worsen the pollution in some developing countries. Secondly, numerous deliveries result in exhaust fume emissions and possibly render more traffic congestion. An empirical study by Washington University showed that 60% of citizens agree that online shopping creates 20% more waste than before. Furthermore, it is undeniable that an increasing rate of unemployment due to the popularity of online stores. This phenomenon has made lots of families lower their life quality and may cause juvenile delinquents and crimes from those families, which endanger society’s stability and development. However, in the long run, some unemployed staffs may try to learn new advanced skills, adjusting to the job market, and some of them may start their own online stores, thus increasing productivity and benefiting the economy as a whole. All in all, the success of online stores place adverse impact on both environment and the unemployed staff, yet some of the staff may pick up new skills and create new businesses, thus benefiting the society in the long run.
It is true that as internet
enormously
affects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects of our life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping has taken over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businesses of shops in reality in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases. This essay will state the influences that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
have imposed on the environment and the unemployment of those closed merchandises.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, extra packages and substantial deliveries have burdened
heavily
on the environment. The central reason behind this is twofold,
firstly
, extra foams and cardboard boxes lead to more waste and garbage to a substantial number of cities, requiring more
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
and machine hours to clean and dispose, even littering
seriously
worsen the pollution in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.
Secondly
, numerous deliveries result in exhaust fume emissions and
possibly
render more traffic congestion. An empirical study by Washington University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 60% of citizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping creates 20% more waste than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

Furthermore
, it is undeniable that an increasing rate of unemployment due to the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
. This phenomenon has made lots of families lower their life quality and may cause juvenile delinquents and crimes from those families, which endanger society’s stability and development.
However
, in the long run,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unemployed staffs may try to learn new advanced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, adjusting to the job market, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
,
thus
increasing productivity and benefiting the economy as a whole.

All in all, the success of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
place adverse impact on both environment and the unemployed staff,
yet
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
staff may pick up new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and create new businesses,
thus
benefiting the society in the long run.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Nowadays online shopping is extremely popular. Discuss the impact of it on the environment and on people who lost their jobs because of it. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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