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Nowadays, most people try to balance between work and other part of lives, Unfortunately, not many achive this balance. What are the problems of this? Suggest some solutions to solve the problems? v.1

Nowadays, most people try to balance between work and other part of lives, Unfortunately, not many achive this balance. What are the problems of this? Suggest some solutions to solve the problems? v. 1
Today, the majority of people are unsuccessful to gain work-life balance which is always the concern of almost all citizens in all nations across the globe. This essay will outline detrimental impacts and suggest some appropriate methods to tackle this phenomenon. The loss of the balance between work and private life can have some adverse effects on our lives. First of all, it deteriorates people's physical and mental well-beings. The reason is that work-oriented people have a tendency to sacrifice their daily physical and recreational activities and face sleep deprivation, which can be considered as culprits behind not only dangerous diseases, including obesity and cardiovascular disease but also mental illness, such as depression. Other than that, weaker relationships with others, particularly with families, can be attributed to a hectic schedule. This is because it is impossible for those who have heavy workload to organize family gatherings on a regular basis, which means that they do not have a lot of chances to spend quality time with other members. However, people can prevent ourselves from the work-life imbalance, if we implement some solution below. The first approach is that they have to determine which parts of their jobs are the top priority. Afterward, they can solve the urgent ones first and divide the others into smaller parts to deal with within two days or even a week on a condition that they finish by deadlines. Moreover, technological advancement facilitates a better life. For example, after optimizing the use of the Internet to download available forms of slides designed by experts or other Internet users, people only need to apply necessary information they have prepared for their presentations. This provides them more opportunities to pursue their hobbies. All in all, unhealthy work-life balance can lead to the deterioration of our health and social circle; however, the application of technology can relieve the burden of work.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unsuccessful to gain work-life balance which is always the concern of almost all citizens in all nations across the globe. This essay will outline detrimental impacts and suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appropriate methods to tackle this phenomenon.

The loss of the balance between work and private life can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse effects on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it deteriorates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's physical and mental well-beings. The reason is that work-oriented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a tendency to sacrifice their daily physical and recreational activities and face sleep deprivation, which can
be considered
as culprits behind not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases, including obesity and cardiovascular disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
mental illness, such as depression.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
than that, weaker relationships with others,
particularly
with families, can
be attributed
to a hectic schedule. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is impossible for those who have heavy workload to organize family gatherings on a regular basis, which means that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
chances to spend quality time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
members.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
ourselves from the work-life imbalance, if we implement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solution below. The
first
approach is that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
determine which parts of their jobs are the top priority. Afterward, they can solve the urgent ones
first
and divide the others into smaller parts to deal with within two days or even a week on a condition that they finish by deadlines.
Moreover
, technological advancement facilitates a better life.
For example
, after optimizing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet to download available forms of slides designed by experts or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Internet users,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to apply necessary information they have prepared for their presentations. This provides them more opportunities to pursue their hobbies.

All in all, unhealthy work-life balance can lead to the deterioration of our health and social circle;
however
, the application of technology can relieve the burden of work.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, most people try to balance between work and other part of lives, Unfortunately, not many achive this balance. What are the problems of this? Suggest some solutions to solve the problems? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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