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Nowadays, more and more young people play computer games. Do advantages overweigh disadvantages?

Nowadays, more and more young people play computer games. Do advantages overweigh disadvantages? keg7M
The number of young people who play computer games has been increasing considerably in recent years. Although playing computer-based games provides players with practical skills which are valuable in real life, it has a negative influence on their health, which far outweighs any benefits. On the one hand, there are various benefits of youngsters playing games. The main one is that playing these games equips the youth with a wide range of practical skills. In other words, winning or scoring high requires players various skills such as dexterity, quick observation, and making analysis. This helps them to enhance multiple skills, which are essential for their future career. For instance, before becoming a millionaire, Mark Zuckerberg had been a student who got addicted to computer games. Thanks to the valuable skills he gained from playing these games, he finally came up with the idea of creating Facebook, which is one of the most popular social network platforms these days. However, instead of trying to restrain themselves from spending too much time in front of the computer while playing, these skills can also be implemented when they play sports. On the other hand, there are a variety of drawbacks of playing computer games, one of which is that it has detrimental effects on the young's health. To be more specific, due to the attractive graphic design of computer games as well as their appealing tasks, most young individuals, who are not able to control their time, easily get addicted and sit in one place over a long period of time. As a result of this sedentary lifestyle, they are likely to encounter serious health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and certain types of cancer. For example, a recent study in 2019 from Hanoi University of Medicine and Pharmacy on two thousand students aged from 6 to 20 showed that among 10 who are suffering from obesity, 6 of them played computer games on a daily basis. This means that those who play these games frequently are likely to lack physical activities and form negative habits, which eclipses the advantage. In conclusion, while computer games allow young people to develop a wide range of skills, they have a bad effect on their health, which outweighs the merit.
The number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has been increasing
considerably
in recent years. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
provides players with practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which are valuable in real life, it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, which far outweighs any benefits.

On the one hand, there are various benefits of youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The main one is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
equips the youth with a wide range of practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
In other words
, winning or scoring high requires players various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as dexterity, quick observation, and making analysis. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to enhance multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, which are essential for their future career.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
becoming a millionaire, Mark Zuckerberg had been a student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
addicted to computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Thanks to the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
he gained from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, he
finally
came up with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of creating Facebook, which is one of the most popular social network platforms these days.
However
,
instead
of trying to restrain themselves from spending too much time in front of the computer while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
can
also
be implemented
when they play sports.

On the other hand
, there are a variety of drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, one of which is that it has detrimental effects on the young's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. To be more specific, due to the attractive graphic design of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as well
as their appealing tasks, most young individuals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not able to control their time,
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted and sit in one place over a long period of time.
As a result
of this sedentary lifestyle, they are likely to encounter serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems such as obesity, diabetes, and certain types of cancer.
For example
, a recent study in 2019 from Hanoi University of Medicine and Pharmacy on two thousand students aged from 6 to 20
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that among 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are suffering from obesity, 6 of them played computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on a daily basis. This means that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
frequently
are likely to lack physical activities and form
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
habits, which eclipses the advantage.

In conclusion
, while computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to develop a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, which outweighs the merit.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, more and more young people play computer games. Do advantages overweigh disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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