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Nowadays more and more people decide to have children later in their life. What are the reasons? What are the solutions for this problem? v.2

Nowadays more and more people decide to have children later in their life. What are the reasons? What are the solutions for this problem? v. 2
In recent decades, childbearing in older ages have become the main problem for many governments. Although many people agree with this statement, but it is undeniable, this type of lifestyle could have serious effects both for mothers and societies. Financial stability and keep the job from parents play a major part of this problem. Financial stability is definitely a factor for this anomaly. Many parents love to grow their children in a proper way and prepare them a brighter future, turn them to a more successful person who is beneficial for society. It is undeniable that, the necessity factor for this type of thinking is a financial one. Also big segment of couples tend to defer children in favour of career. Not only do couples love to have a job and prepare a brighter future for themselves, but also every each child need some budget to born and rise. The main remedy comes from governments. By subsidiary budget put aside from governments, couples might relive from financial part and focus on their role as a parent. To be more specific, parents no need to have concerns about education or nutrition of their child by government support. Moreover, authorities have the power to ease and relax the regulation for maternity leave. It is seen that, in big number of countries, corporate fired couples who become parents in case they do not force to paid leave and also have a full time employee. From what has been discussed and in order to draw conclusion, it is true that parents love to prepare a proper life both for themselves and their children, so if governments want to decrease the age of maternity; hence supporting from governments is needed. The more support from governments, the more rate of birth in lower ages will be.
In recent decades, childbearing in older ages have become the main problem for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is undeniable, this type of lifestyle could have serious effects both for mothers and societies. Financial stability and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the job from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a major part of this problem.

Financial stability is definitely a factor for this anomaly.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to grow their children
Consider replacing "in a proper way" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper way
and prepare them a brighter future, turn them to a more successful person who is beneficial for society. It is undeniable that, the necessity factor for this type of thinking is a financial one.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
segment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
tend to defer children in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of career. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to have a job and prepare a brighter future for themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
every each child need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
budget to born and rise.

The main remedy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. By subsidiary budget put aside from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
might relive from financial part and focus on their role as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
. To be more specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
no need to have concerns about education or nutrition of their child by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
support.
Moreover
, authorities have the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and relax the regulation for maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
number of countries, corporate fired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
who become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in case they do not force to paid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
and
also
have a full time employee.

From what has
been discussed
and in order to draw conclusion, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to prepare a proper life both for themselves and their children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
want to decrease the age of maternity;
hence
supporting from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
is needed
. The more support from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
, the more rate of birth in lower ages will be.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays more and more people decide to have children later in their life. What are the reasons? What are the solutions for this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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