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Nowadays, more and more children play computer games. Why do you think this is the case? Is it a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, more and more children play computer games. Why do you think this is the case? Is it a positive or negative development? AjXx3
Due to rapidly growing technology many children are playing computer games too much. They are spending too much time on computer games rather than playing outside. In my opinion this is negative trend. There are several reasons behind of this issue. To begin with, due to cheaper availability of laptops or computer many can afford to buy it. Moreover, now-a-days, parents are too much busy in their working life, hence they can not give sufficient time to there offspring. Therefore, they buy a computer for their kids. Consequently, when there are no one around them, they like to spend time on the computer. Resultant, many kids get obese and sedentary lifestyle.
Due to
rapidly
growing technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children are playing computer games too much. They are spending too much time on computer games
rather
than playing outside. In my opinion this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend. There are several reasons behind of this issue. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, due to cheaper availability of laptops or computer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
can afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
-a-days, parents are too much busy in their working life,
hence
they can not give sufficient time to
Did you mean "their"?
there
offspring.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a computer for their kids.
Consequently
, when there are no one around them, they like to spend time on the computer. Resultant,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
obese and sedentary lifestyle.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, more and more children play computer games. Why do you think this is the case? Is it a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
111 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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