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Nowadays longer distances are travelled by people to work and study on a daily basis. Some consider it to be a negative development, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Nowadays longer distances are travelled by people to work and study on a daily basis. Some consider it to be a negative development, while others disagree. v. 1
In the present modern world, some people travel long distances for working or studying. Some believed that this is a negative progress, whereas others argue that has positive aspects. I think that these people can gain positive developments in several things by taking long distance travelling for work and study. However, in this essay I will discuss about both arguments. On one hand, if people go to a place far away from their hometown for studying and working, they might involve in some negative issues. Their life may become harder because they are far away from their families and friends and therefore, can’t receive their supports in many aspects, for example economical and emotional problems. They force to deal with their problems on their own and also they might face with some hardships and difficulties in their commutes. In the other hand, in some places there aren’t suitable situations for work and study and these places haven’t a developmental future. The more advanced place is, the more people can progress. Therefore, some people go to other places with more facilities and possibilities so that development in several prospects. This travelling can have two main positive effects. Firstly, when they are in a developed place they can earn achievements and triumphs more easily and also can improve and promote their skills and abilities such as financial, educational and cultural developments which it can in turn develop the society. Secondly, they become more familiar with other cultures and their personality in terms of socialization and communication will be grown up. In conclusion, some believe travelling to other places with long distance have a negative influence and others don’t believe. However, I think that this cause people to develop in many positive aspects and its benefits are more than its drawbacks.
In the present modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel long distances for working or studying.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believed that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
progress, whereas others argue that has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
aspects. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
developments in several things by taking long distance travelling for work and study.
However
, in this essay I will
Did you mean simply "discuss both"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about both
arguments.

On one hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
far away from their hometown for studying and working, they might involve in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
issues. Their life may become harder
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are far away from their families and friends and
therefore
, can’t receive their supports in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects,
for example
economical and emotional problems. They force
Did you mean "dealing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to deal
with their problems on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and
also
they might face with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hardships and difficulties in their commutes.

In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
there aren’t suitable situations for work and study and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
haven’t a developmental future. The more advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
is, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can progress.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
with more facilities and possibilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that development in several prospects. This travelling can have two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
effects.
Firstly
, when they are in a developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
they can earn achievements and triumphs more
easily
and
also
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and promote their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities such as financial, educational and cultural developments which it can in turn develop the society.
Secondly
, they become more familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cultures and their personality in terms of socialization and communication will
be grown
up.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe travelling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
with long distance have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
don’t believe.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to develop in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
aspects and its benefits are more than its drawbacks.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Nowadays longer distances are travelled by people to work and study on a daily basis. Some consider it to be a negative development, while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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