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Nowadays it is possible to relocate marine animals to entertainment parks

Nowadays it is possible to relocate marine animals to entertainment parks 3WXeN
Nowadays, a large number of the sea creatures are moved from their natural habitats to the entertainment parks as sea life centres and ocean parks, which has a great impact on the lives of the creatures. From my point of view, the demerits are outweighing the merits and the reasons for my inclination are articulated in the ensuing paragraphs. To commence with, On the one hand, there is a plethora of disadvantages to move the animals in the ocean parks. First and for most, in their early age, they are separated from their family and mother to train them better to earn more money by giving thrilling performances, which will create a huge impact on their growth and in the long run has become a reason for longevity reduction. For example, Dolphin's average age is 20 years in natural habitats; while they live only average 12 years in the amusement parks. Secondly, they have very less space to enjoy their activity, they feel monotonous by living in a closed area, which affects their mental health. Lastly, sometimes the new environment means the ocean parks are not suitable for their nature and soul, that they might end up their lives at a very early stage, which becomes the reason for unbalancing the food chain. On the other hand, by placing the creatures in the entertainment parks boosts the economy of the country by providing knowledge and entertainment for the children. Moreover, many times the main reason for the transfer is the scientific research to flourish their life by providing them the required nutritions and medicines to combat from chronic disease such as cancer. For instance, the Asiatic lions are under the scientific study because of they are about to extinct, and trials are going on to protect them and increase their population. In conclusion, however, there are certain advantages to move sea creatures from their natural habitats by feeding them sufficient nutritions and medicines; the disadvantages are many as it decreases their longevity and which greatly impact on the balance of the food chain and ecosystem.
Nowadays,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
the sea
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creatures
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
from their natural habitats to the entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
as sea life
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and ocean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
, which has a great impact on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creatures
. From my point of view, the demerits are outweighing the merits and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for my inclination
are articulated
in the ensuing paragraphs.

To commence with, On the one hand, there is a plethora of disadvantages to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
the animals in the ocean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
.
First
and for most, in their early age, they
are separated
from their family and mother to train them better to earn more money by giving thrilling performances, which will create a huge impact on their growth and in the long run has become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for longevity reduction.
For example
, Dolphin's average age is 20 years in natural habitats; while they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
average 12 years in the amusement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
.
Secondly
, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less space to enjoy their activity, they feel monotonous by living in a closed area, which affects their mental health.
Lastly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the new environment means the ocean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
are not suitable for their nature and soul, that they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early stage, which becomes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for unbalancing the food chain.

On the other hand
, by placing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creatures
in the entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
boosts the economy of the country by providing knowledge and entertainment for the children.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for the transfer is the scientific research to flourish their life by providing them the required
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
and medicines to combat from chronic disease such as cancer.
For instance
, the Asiatic lions are under the scientific study
Probable usage error. Use "because they" instead.
because of they
are about to extinct, and trials are going on to protect them and increase their population.

In conclusion
,
however
, there are certain advantages to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
sea
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creatures
from their natural habitats by feeding them sufficient
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
and medicines; the disadvantages are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as it decreases their longevity and which
greatly
impact on the balance of the food chain and ecosystem.
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IELTS essay Nowadays it is possible to relocate marine animals to entertainment parks

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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