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Nowadays it is noticed that cultural mixing is reflected within local cultural practices. Do you think it is good for our society?

Nowadays it is noticed that cultural mixing is reflected within local cultural practices. Do you think it is good for our society? 6xaBx
In this era of globalization, boundaries –political, geographical, cultural–are being removed as peoples blend and persons share, with each other, the very values that once segregated them. Cultural mixing has begun tearing down all the ethnical and racial pigeonholes and move us closer, by the day, towards one universal race of humans. Like all else, even this has its occasional downsides, which, when put in comparison with the upsides, are negligible. Firstly, we have to consider that cultural mixing is perhaps the only non-coercive way to move global humanity towards ideal equality, a belief sought for by all the great persons, and political and religious ideologies. While many have struggled throughout human history to uproot tyranny, oppression, bigotry and segregation, their paths have been tainted by the blood of the bold and tears of the beautiful. True that we, through our ravaging revolutions, have progressed, but at a cost that undoubtedly has been dear. Cultural mixing, on the other hand, is the benedictory prophet, who ushers the great communion of all men in empathy, leaving behind all ethos, and he comes only in peace. Yet, some conservatives argue that free-mixing of cultural values degrade people’s sense of morality. They must be conveniently forgetful of all the immoralities, in the name of conservation, that evidently have tarnished human history. Although, it is undeniable that cultural mixing, like any other progressive enterprise, has coincided with social unpleasantries, for example declining stability among families in the third world countries, the blame has not yet been rationally put. And, of course, there are many other socio-economic controllers such as wage-earning, and individualism that may very well be responsible for today’s social ills. In sum, we must not be closed-minded to the global brethren cultures, because, only by doing this we may, one day, realize the ever-cherished dreamland of universal humanity, where “… all the people, sharing the world in peace” will not be only a thing of imagination.
In this era of globalization, boundaries –political, geographical, cultural–are
being removed
as peoples blend and persons share, with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
values that once segregated them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
has begun tearing down all the ethnical and racial pigeonholes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
us closer, by the day, towards one universal race of humans. Like all else, even this has its occasional downsides, which, when put
in comparison
with the upsides, are negligible.

Firstly
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
is perhaps the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
non-coercive way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
global humanity towards ideal equality, a belief sought for by all the great persons, and political and religious ideologies. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
have struggled throughout human history to uproot tyranny, oppression, bigotry and segregation, their paths have
been tainted
by the blood of the bold and tears of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
. True that we, through our ravaging revolutions, have progressed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at a cost that
undoubtedly
has been dear.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, is the benedictory prophet, who ushers the great communion of all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in empathy, leaving behind all ethos, and he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
in peace.

Yet
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conservatives argue that free-mixing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
values degrade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s sense of morality. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
conveniently
forgetful of all the immoralities, in the name of conservation, that
evidently
have tarnished human history. Although, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
, like any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
progressive enterprise, has coincided with social unpleasantries,
for example
declining stability among families in the third world countries, the blame has not
yet
been
rationally
put. And,
of course
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-economic
controllers such as wage-earning, and individualism that may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well be responsible for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s social ills.

In sum, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be closed
-minded to the global brethren cultures,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
by doing this we may, one day, realize the ever-cherished dreamland of universal humanity, where “… all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, sharing the world in peace” will not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
a thing of imagination.
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IELTS essay Nowadays it is noticed that cultural mixing is reflected within local cultural practices. Do you think it is good for our society?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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