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Is fast food to blaim for obesity in society or is gaining too much weight is the responsibility of the individuals? What are the factors contribute the obesity? Why do you think that children are becoming obese.

Is fast food to blaim for obesity in society or is gaining too much weight is the responsibility of the individuals? What are the factors contribute the obesity? Why do you think that children are becoming obese. n6X5R
To begin with, the majority of people are suffering from unwanted fat. This is due to the fact that many of them do less exercise and physical activities which are extremely important sources to remove obesity. Moreover, a mandatory lifestyle is also the biggest reason of overweight because people have to do a sitting job where they have to stick on the one seat. For instance, people who are working in enforces companies have to stick to their places for the whole day. Furthermore, the intake of more processed food is also the greatest issue of overweight. This is owing to the fact that individuals prefer to eat packed food which had low calories and too much oil. It is harmful to them as they obtain many health issues such as heart disease, asthma. Apart from this, parents also play a significant role to gain weight in their offsprings life They prefer to take them to restaurants rather than provide them food at home. For example, Students like to eat junk food in restaurants as they away from their home food. To conclude, after analyzing both the paragraphs I believe that people are responsible for their obesity while doing so many things in their life which creates various health issues.
To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from unwanted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
This is due to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them do less exercise and physical activities which are
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sources to remove obesity.
Moreover
, a mandatory lifestyle is
also
the biggest reason of overweight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do a sitting job where they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stick on the one seat.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are working in enforces
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stick to their places for the whole day.

Furthermore
, the intake of more processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
also
the greatest issue of overweight. This is owing to the fact that individuals prefer to eat packed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which had low calories and too much oil. It is harmful to them as they obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health issues such as heart disease, asthma. Apart from this, parents
also
play a significant role to gain weight in their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
life

They prefer to take them to restaurants
rather
than provide them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at home.
For example
, Students like to eat junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in restaurants as they away from their home food.

To conclude
, after analyzing both the paragraphs I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are responsible for their obesity while doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things in their life which creates various health issues.

IELTS essay Is fast food to blaim for obesity in society or is gaining too much weight is the responsibility of the individuals? What are the factors contribute the obesity? Why do you think that children are becoming obese.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
210 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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