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NOWADAYS, IT IS NATURAL FOR ANIMALS TO BECOME EXTINCT, AND THERE IS NO REASONS FOR PEOPLE TO PREVENT IT HAPPENING. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

NOWADAYS, IT IS NATURAL FOR ANIMALS TO BECOME EXTINCT, AND THERE IS NO REASONS FOR PEOPLE TO PREVENT IT HAPPENING. 11GNN
Some people suppose that animals are becoming extinct due to natural factors, so everyone does not need to curb this problem. However, I believe that everyone has to stop the extinction of animals no matter what the cause is. On the one hand, it is undeniable that a wide range of animals were wiped out by the natural disasters in the past. According to the historical documents, over a half of all kinds of animals disappeared after each biological crisis. To illustrate, dinosaurs were in total extinction 65 million years ago by a catastrophe. However, in recent years, the main reason has led to the animals’ disappearance which is not environmental factors. There are numerous objective reasons that come from industrial activities which pose a threat on animal habitats. In the details, the number of untreated waste are released into the environment resulting in pollution and more unexpected consequences to wildlife. Hence, animal eradications are occured by environment which is a minor part, compared to humans’ causes. On the other hand, people put the wildlife in an unbalanced ecosystem whether intentionally or accidentally. All animal species are connected and the more animals are wiped out, the more serious biology changes. To put it differently, if a component of the system is affected too strongly, it will not be able to recover, leading to making the whole system unbalanced and endangered. Admittedly, people’ activities have significant consequences in biodiversity such as deforestation, illegal hunting and making animal products. Take an example of pandas, as deforestation increases, food sources are affected causing more competition for food, leading to reducing the number of individuals in the species. Therefore, the unbalanced ecosystem is more dangerous which comes mainly from humans’ activities. To include, although animals become endangered in a natural way, people play a crucial role in extinction. People have to be responsible for preventing this issue from happening.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suppose that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are becoming extinct due to natural factors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
everyone does not need to curb this problem.
However
, I believe that everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the extinction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
no matter what the cause is.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
were wiped
out by the natural disasters in the past. According to the historical documents, over a half of all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
disappeared after each biological crisis. To illustrate, dinosaurs were in total extinction 65 million years ago by a catastrophe.
However
, in recent years, the main reason has led to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals’
disappearance which is not environmental factors. There are numerous objective reasons that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from industrial activities which pose a threat on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
habitats. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, the number of untreated waste
are released
into the environment resulting in pollution and more unexpected
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "to". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences to
wildlife.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
Possible spelling mistake found.
eradications
are
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "occurred", the past tense form of the verb 'occur'?
occured
by environment which is a minor part, compared to humans’ causes.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put the wildlife in an unbalanced ecosystem whether
intentionally
or
accidentally
. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species
are connected
and the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are wiped
out, the more serious biology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
. To put it
differently
, if a component of the system is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
too
strongly
, it will not be able to recover, leading to making the whole system unbalanced and endangered.
Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’
activities have significant consequences in biodiversity such as deforestation, illegal hunting and making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
products. Take an example of pandas, as deforestation increases, food sources are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
causing more competition for food, leading to reducing the number of individuals in the species.
Therefore
, the unbalanced ecosystem is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
mainly
from humans’ activities.

To include, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
become endangered
Consider replacing "in a natural way" with the adverb for "natural"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a natural way
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
play a crucial role in extinction.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be responsible for preventing this issue from happening.
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IELTS essay NOWADAYS, IT IS NATURAL FOR ANIMALS TO BECOME EXTINCT, AND THERE IS NO REASONS FOR PEOPLE TO PREVENT IT HAPPENING.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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