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Nowadays in many countries woman have full time jobs therefore it is logical to share household task evenly between man and woman To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement v.1

Nowadays in many countries woman have full time jobs therefore it is logical to share household task evenly between man and woman with the statement v. 1
In this era of modernity women play a magnificent role in every field. Presently, women are spending maximum hour on their jobs so it is necessary that domestic work is equally devided among men and women. Here, I would like to accord with the given statement. Manifold points are there to support my point of view. Women feel stress free if they get help in house work by men. To illustrate, plethora of whole day work makes women tired and physically weak. They have to work on house. Therefore, it is necessary to reduce their burden by helping in their work. Apart from it, working women can pay more attention on their juveniles if men share household task. For example, hectic schedule of women create differences between children and parents. Mothers who do jobs are unable to confer proper caring such as eating, talking, playing, to the children and this create less intimacy between them. Thus, women can get some time for children if they get help from men. Further emphasising on my point of view. In this male domineering society women are supposed to be less valuable in work. so, it is important to confer equal work to both the genders because men think that domestic work is a piece of cake. They do not give values of women work. Thence, Men will definitely understand the value of their work if they helps women in family work. To recapitulate, Undeniably, work is imperative in this inflation era. However, still I believe that both the genders must share join responsibility of everything.
In this era of modernity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
play a magnificent role in every field.
Presently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are spending maximum hour on their jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is necessary that domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
equally
Possible spelling mistake found.
devided
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. Here, I would like to accord with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.

Manifold points are there to support my point of view.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. To illustrate, plethora of whole day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
tired and
physically
weak. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Therefore
, it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their burden by helping in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Apart from it, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can pay more attention on their juveniles if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
share household task.
For example
, hectic schedule of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
create differences between children and parents. Mothers who do jobs are unable to confer proper caring such as eating, talking, playing, to the children and this create less intimacy between them.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time for children if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasising' is British English.
emphasising
on my point of view. In this male domineering society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are supposed
to be less valuable in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to confer equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to both the genders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is a piece of cake. They do not give values of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Thence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
will definitely understand the value of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
if they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "help"
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in family work.

To recapitulate,
Undeniably
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is imperative in this inflation era.
However
,
still
I believe that both the genders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
share
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
responsibility of everything.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays in many countries woman have full time jobs therefore it is logical to share household task evenly between man and woman with the statement v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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