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Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social, and commercial pressure. What is the cause of this effect? What is a solution to reduce the pressure? v.4

Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social, and commercial pressure. What is the cause of this effect? What is a solution to reduce the pressure? v. 4
Recently, children face the pressures related to education, social and commercial in their life. This happens because of the parents forcing them to compete each other. However, the more socialization among parents to avoid that action is required in order to minimize these pressures. The tendency of parents in forcing their children to challenge each other is the main reason of these kinds of pressures. Children are pressed to be the figure that parents admire such as the smart people who study in exclusive schools. It can be seen that the high class families in Jakarta prefer to enroll their children in expensive schools because they believe that if the minors are taught in the more exclusive schools, the children will learn better, and the status of whole family will increase automatically. The most effective solution to this issue is to convince the parents about the consequences if they continue their actions. The socialization in social media to make parents understand that forcing children to follow parents’ intention sometimes will be not good for children should be conducted by the local authorities. This campaign has been done by the Korean government to minimize these pressures among children so that they will be easier to develop themselves based on their preference. All in all, the main point of why children are under the pressures is that their parents force them to compete each other, and the best way to solve this problem is to convince the parents about the future effects in social media.
Recently,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
face the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
related to education, social and commercial in their life. This happens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
forcing them to compete each other.
However
, the more socialization among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to avoid that action
is required
in order to minimize these pressures.

The tendency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in forcing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to challenge each other is the main reason of these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are pressed
to be the figure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
admire such as the smart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who study in exclusive schools. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
families in Jakarta prefer to enroll their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in expensive schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe that if the minors
are taught
in the more exclusive schools, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will learn better, and the status of whole family will increase
automatically
.

The most effective solution to this issue is to convince the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
about the consequences if they continue their actions. The socialization in social media to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
understand that forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
intention
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
will be not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be conducted
by the local authorities. This campaign has
been done
by the Korean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to minimize these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will be easier to develop themselves based on their preference.

All in all, the main point of why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are under the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
is that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
force them to compete each other, and the best way to solve this problem is to convince the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
about the future effects in social media.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social, and commercial pressure. What is the cause of this effect? What is a solution to reduce the pressure? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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