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Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.5

Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 5
Today, celebrities earn higher wages than politicians. It seems to me that this is the consequence of Advancement in technology and marketing, and it is a positive development because the community could be profited by entertainers' investment economically. In this essay, the reasons for this issue and its effects on society will be discussed. Fists, popularization might be one of the critical factors to become wealthier due to the growth in the entertainment industry. For instance, it is notable that some of the sportsmen such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are much wealthier than many of the governors. Since the entertainers are followed by an extended age range of individuals (from children to older adults) in comparison with a limited range in politicians, this fact could help them to become more popular and wealthy. Therefore, celebrities could be the pioneers in establishing charities and foster public attention, by their reputation, to take participate in these organizations, which might be a beneficial movement in the community. Second, the marketing development and advertisement industry are two substantial sources of money in societies. Politicians could work in just their fields; however, entertainers have acted in both their fields and advertisements. As an example, many leading brand businesses such as Addidas and Chanel, have hired celebrities for advertising their latest products. Entertainers could gain people's trust and persuade them to purchase the companies' products because of their well-known reputation. As a result, celebrities could be involved in societies' financial flourishing in which politicians could not. Also, the community might take advantage of the effective role of entertainers to advertise some positive habits among individuals for getting a promotion culturally. In summary, it might be said that earning more money in entertainers than politicians has a negative effect because it is politicians who play a significant role in the future of society. However, it seems that the effects of this approach appear to be overwhelmingly positive, and its noticeable economical impacts of the public are undeniable.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
earn higher wages than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. It seems to me that this is the consequence of Advancement in technology and marketing, and it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the community could
be profited
by entertainers' investment
economically
. In this essay, the reasons for this issue and its effects on society will
be discussed
.

Fists, popularization
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be one of the critical factors to become wealthier due to the growth in the entertainment industry.
For instance
, it is notable that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
sportsmen such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are much wealthier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the governors. Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are followed
by an extended age range of individuals (from children to older adults)
in comparison
with a limited range in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
, this fact could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to become more popular and wealthy.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
could be the pioneers in establishing charities and foster public attention, by their reputation, to take participate in these organizations, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a beneficial movement in the community.

Second, the marketing development and advertisement industry are two substantial sources of money in societies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Politicians
could work in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
their fields;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
have acted in both their fields and advertisements. As an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
leading brand businesses such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Addidas
and Chanel, have hired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
for advertising their latest products.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Entertainers
could gain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's trust and persuade them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their well-known reputation.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
could
be involved
in societies' financial flourishing in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
could not.
Also
, the community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
take advantage of the effective role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
to advertise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
habits among individuals for getting a promotion
culturally
.

In summary, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be said
that earning more money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
who play a significant role in the future of society.
However
, it seems that the effects of this approach appear to be
overwhelmingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
, and its noticeable economical impacts of the public are undeniable.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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