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nonemployment is getting increasingly serious in many countries. Some people think students only need to get primary education, while others think secondary education is necessary. What 's Your opinion? v.1

nonemployment is getting increasingly serious in many countries. Some people think students only need to get primary education, while others think secondary education is necessary. What 's Your opinion? v. 1
It is argued that economically advanced countries should welcome many immigrants and provide them with surviving supplies. This essay completely agrees with that statement because developed nations are wealthy enough to support refugees, and it also save many lives. Wealthy nations should open borders to refugees because those countries have excess money reserves. It is evident that countries like USA, United Kingdom, and Europe spend trillions of dollars on their military advancement alone, only a tiny fraction of that amount is sufficient to let many refugees move into those countries and assist them with basic needs. For example, a report put out by the Canadian Embassy in Syria states that it costs them around 1. 5 million dollars to move people in Syria affected by the war in Canada, which also includes food and housing. Another reason why rich countries should allow immigrants into their land is that they save many lives. It is certain that a number of people die in war affected countries like Syria and Iraq. This is because they do not have access to basic necessities such as food, drinking water, and home. For instance, it is reported that Turkey accepted thousands of people affected by terrorism activities in Syria and given them fundamental things to survive thus saved their lives otherwise would be lost in terrorist battle. In Conclusion, wealthier countries should accept men, women, and children affected by war in their territories because they are affluent enough to do so. Therefore I believe that those countries should come forward to help poor lives who are in need of food and housing.
It
is argued
that
economically
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should welcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
immigrants and provide them with surviving supplies. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with that statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
developed nations are wealthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to support refugees, and it
also
Did you mean "saves"?
save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Wealthy nations should open borders to refugees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have excess money reserves. It is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
A determiner is probably missing here: "like the USA".
like USA
, United Kingdom, and Europe spend trillions of dollars on their military advancement alone,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a tiny fraction of that amount is sufficient to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
refugees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
into those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and assist them with basic needs.
For example
, a report put out by the Canadian Embassy in Syria states that it costs them around 1. 5 million dollars to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Syria
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
by the war in Canada, which
also
includes food and housing.

Another reason why rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
immigrants into their land is that they save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is certain that a number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
in war
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Syria and Iraq. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not have access to
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
such as food, drinking water, and home.
For instance
, it
is reported
that Turkey
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
by terrorism activities in Syria and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
them fundamental things to survive
thus
saved their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
otherwise
would
be lost
in terrorist battle.

In Conclusion
, wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should accept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, women, and children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
by war in their territories
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are affluent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I believe that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
who are in need of food and housing.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay nonemployment is getting increasingly serious in many countries. Some people think students only need to get primary education, while others think secondary education is necessary. What 's Your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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