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Museums should display the history of their own country or the other countries as well?

Museums should display the history of their own country or the other countries as well? paxed
For some time now, it has become a topic of debate where a section of society advocates that museums and art exhibitions should pay much more attention to their country’s historical work than other works from different places, whilst other disagree. In my opinion, I totally disagree with the aforementioned notion due to the reasons encompassed below. To begin with, it is often thought that museums and art galleries need to display only their country’s history through ancient artefacts and art galleries. By doing so, they are increasing the bond between citizen’s and their culture; besides, they are most likely not to be affected by other’s history. Furthermore, the more the local works to be shown, the more the citizens to be attracted to their customs and traditions. Adding to above, there are some cultures that start to vanish such as the Babylonian culture in Iraq mainly because their museums and art exhibitions exhibit lots of works from other countries. Nevertheless, on the other hand, others believe that they are not living alone so they need to get in touch with other nations by exploring their history and artefacts. On top of that, by learning new customs and traditions, the cultural distance between different nations will decline and as a result, the world will be become a united family. Finally, museums are the platforms which provide opportunity to many scholars to research about ancient skills and techniques which are beneficial for survival of the society. For instance, mummies extracted from Egyptian Pyramids are kept in different museums worldwide so that scientists can explore the ancient science behind preserving bodies for thousands of years without any modern technology. To conclude, although some people think that it is better for museums and art galleries to show only their culture’s work, others believe that it is better to display other nation’s history, which I also opine too due to the reasons elaborated above.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, it has become a topic of debate where a section of society advocates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibitions should pay much more attention to their country’s historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
works from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places, whilst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
disagree. In my opinion, I
totally
disagree with the aforementioned notion due to the reasons encompassed below.

To
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begin
with, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
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museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
galleries need to display
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their country’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
through ancient
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
galleries. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they are increasing the bond between citizen’s and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
;
besides
, they are most likely not to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
Furthermore
, the more the local works to
be shown
, the more the citizens to
be attracted
to their customs and traditions. Adding to above, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to vanish such as the Babylonian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
in Iraq
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibitions exhibit lots of works from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries.

Nevertheless
, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others believe that they are not living alone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations by exploring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
.
On top of that
, by learning new customs and traditions, the cultural distance between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations will decline and
as a result
, the world will
be become
a united family.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are the platforms which provide opportunity to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scholars to research about ancient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and techniques which are beneficial for survival of the society.
For instance
, mummies extracted from Egyptian Pyramids are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
worldwide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that scientists can explore the ancient science behind preserving bodies for thousands of years without any modern technology.

To conclude
, although
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some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
galleries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, others believe that it is better to display
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nation’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
, which I
also
opine too due to the reasons elaborated above.
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IELTS essay Museums should display the history of their own country or the other countries as well?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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