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Muesuem take admission to enter in some people agree it and some argue with it. What is your opinion?

Muesuem take admission to enter in some people agree it and some argue with it. What is your opinion? mbWW8
Museums are educational places which are beneficial for people in societies. However, these days, people have to pay an entrance fee to enter many museums. Although this phenomenon can lead to negative effects, I believe that there are for more positive effects. It cannot be denied that price of tickets can bring about detrimental impacts to people, societies, and the museums themselves. From people’s perspective, they are discouraged to visit the museum and not able to access useful information and knowledge freely, particularly the poor because they cannot afford such amount. From societies’ perspective, citizens have fewer opportunities to access vitally significant places to learn history, science, art, and many other essential subjects. From museums’ perspective, they cannot attain one of their objectives to educate people. Moreover, they may have to close down as they lose more of their customers. Despite aforementioned disadvantages, I am convinced that to charge for admission figures brings about a myriad of advantages. Firstly, museums will have money to operate which covers their business overhead such as personnel cost, equipments, electricity and water bills. Secondly, the museums can generate their own revenue to improve the place effectively to attract people, for example, to update their exhibits and keep the place clean and good-looking. Having visited many museums myself, I have learnt that many museums which sell tickets are better than those that do not charge for tickets in terms of places, information, and management. In conclusion, although I recognize that the museums ticket sales can cause drawbacks to stakeholders in societies, I believe that museums should not remain free for all so as to be operated and developed most effectively.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
are educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
which are beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
However
, these days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay an entrance fee to enter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. Although this phenomenon can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects, I believe that there are for more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects.

It cannot
be denied
that price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
can bring about detrimental impacts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
themselves. From
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
perspective, they
are discouraged
to visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
and not able to access useful information and knowledge
freely
,
particularly
the poor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot afford such amount. From
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies’
perspective, citizens have fewer opportunities to access
vitally
significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
to learn history, science, art, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other essential subjects.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
From
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums’
perspective, they cannot attain one of their objectives to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, they may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
close down as they lose more of their customers.

Despite aforementioned disadvantages, I
am convinced
that to charge for admission figures brings about a myriad of advantages.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
will have money to operate which covers their business overhead such as personnel cost, equipments, electricity and water bills.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can generate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
revenue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
effectively
to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
for example
, to update their exhibits and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
clean and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking. Having visited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
myself, I have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
which sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
are better than those that do not charge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
, information, and management.

In conclusion
, although I recognize that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
sales can cause drawbacks to stakeholders in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should not remain free for all
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
be operated
and developed most
effectively
.
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IELTS essay Muesuem take admission to enter in some people agree it and some argue with it. What is your opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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