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Most high-level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? v.2

Most high-level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? v. 2
It is irrefutable that, many health problems are rising due to the fast food and the advancement of technology. One of them is obesity increasing day by day among all ages of the people. This essay will discuss the causes of overweight, including, unhealthy diet style and pressure of work. This essay will also suggest the solutions to mitigate this problem like a balanced diet and physical activities. To begin with, people eat the junk meal and they feel this is a convenient and ready to eat cuisine. That is a high in calories and less nutrition and vitamins, such as; salt and sugar. Not only this, Ajinamotto ingredient that can be considered as a slow poison, firstly this increase weight after that gives birth to many diseases. For example, people are suffering from diabetes, heart attack and cancer, just because of fast food. Moreover, due to pressure of work, people feel tired and do not get time for exercise or gym. Instead of physical activities they give preference to relax and just lay down on the bed. As well as, with the help of technology they prefer to sedentary job style instead of, manual task. That is the main cause of increasing weight. However, it is certainly can be solved by balanced diet, such as people should prepare food at home with healthy ingredients, that give nutrition to the body. As well as, they should eat properly, on time and should not be procrastinate about eating. In addition, the government should give awareness to people the side effects of the fast cuisine. Moreover, people should go to morning walk or join the gym. Thus, they can do some physical activities. In conclusion, over fat is a serious problem. It is caused by bad cuisine habits and less work out. I think with the help of healthy feed and exercise we can control it.
It is irrefutable that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems are rising due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and the advancement of technology. One of them is obesity increasing day by day among all ages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This essay will discuss the causes of overweight, including, unhealthy diet style and pressure of work. This essay will
also
suggest the solutions to mitigate this problem like a balanced diet and physical activities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eat the junk
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
meal and
they feel this is a convenient and ready to eat cuisine.
That is
a high in calories and less nutrition and vitamins, such as; salt and sugar. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ajinamotto
ingredient that can
be considered
as a slow poison,
firstly
this increase weight after that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
birth to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from diabetes, heart attack and cancer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food.
Moreover
, due to pressure of work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel tired and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time for exercise or gym.
Instead
of physical activities they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
preference to relax and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
lay down on the bed.
As well
as, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of technology they prefer to sedentary job style
instead
of, manual task.
That is
the main cause of increasing weight.

However
, it is
certainly
can
be solved
by balanced diet, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should prepare food at home with healthy ingredients, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
nutrition to the body.
As well
as, they should eat
properly
, on time and should not be
Consider using a past participle here: "procrastinated".
procrastinate
about eating.
In addition
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
awareness to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the side effects of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
cuisine.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should go to morning walk or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the gym.
Thus
, they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical activities.

In conclusion
, over
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is a serious problem. It
is caused
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
cuisine habits and less work out. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of healthy feed and exercise we can control it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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IELTS essay Most high-level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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