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Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent/ instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent/ instead on health education to keep people well. v. 2
This era is directly dedicated to develop the medical technologies and take them into the next level. Also, even though how important to possess these brand new technologies, it cannot fit with the need of every individual because they are limited. From my point of view, instead of wasting money to obtain those, it would be way more beneficial for both the country and people to spend money to educate the citizens well about their health. To begin with, the knowledge about health is encourage the people to take care of them well and also help them to spend less purchase on the trivial things that could managed by themselves easily. Moreover, because the newest technologies require much work to produce, it is expensive and not affordable for the all countries in the world, especially for the third ones. I think people solve the disease without advanced technologies in the past, why cannot we educate people to do it as well rather than purchasing those expensive inventions. Even though how effective and functional the technologies are, people cannot fully dependent on those fragile things. As an illustration, there are many situations that went wrong because of the technology while there is a chance to save the person by hands of real person. Furthermore, if countries educate their citizens about the health, it will affect numerously to decrease the risk of death. According to the statistics, many die because the people near them did not have any knowledge of first aid. So, I think this solution can presumably help to diminish the probability of death in places other than the hospital. In fact, elderly have a little information in medical based on their experience which makes it easier to educate everyone in the country. Also, in last decades, the number of death considerably decreased because many people interested in this field and made many new useful and essential inventions that brought a whole new era for human life. All in all, regardless of how the rapid growth of technology influence in a positive way in our society, they also has many cons that outweigh its pros. It is not a good idea to buy many medical technologies they could purchase in order to keep people healthy.
This era is
directly
dedicated to develop the medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
and take them into the
next
level.
Also
,
even though
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to possess these
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
, it cannot fit with the need of every individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are limited
. From my point of view,
instead
of wasting money to obtain those, it would be way more beneficial for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educate
the citizens well about their health.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the knowledge about health is
Consider using a past participle here: "encouraged".
encourage
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take care of them well and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to spend less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
on the trivial things that could
The verb 'could' requires the base form of the verb: "manage"
managed
by themselves
easily
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the newest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
require much work to produce, it is expensive and not affordable for the all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in the world,
especially
for the third ones. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
solve the disease without advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
in the past, why cannot we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do it
as well
rather
than purchasing those expensive inventions.
Even though
how effective and functional the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
fully
dependent on those fragile things. As an illustration, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
situations that went
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
while there is a chance to save the person by hands of real person.

Furthermore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educate
their citizens about the health, it will affect
numerously
to decrease the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of death. According to the statistics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
near them did not have any knowledge of
first
aid.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this solution can presumably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to diminish the probability of death in places other than the hospital. In fact, elderly have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
information in medical based on their experience which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it easier to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educate
everyone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Also
, in last decades, the number of death
considerably
decreased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
interested in this field and made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new useful and essential inventions that brought a whole new era for human life.

All in all, regardless of how the rapid growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
influence in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way in our society, they
also
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "have", "haven"
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cons that outweigh its pros. It is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
healthy.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent/ instead on health education to keep people well. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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