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more and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the price of fast foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.9

more and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the price of fast foods will solve this problem. v. 9
The number of people with obesity conditions are increasing over the period. It is argued that making the price of junk food higher is a good solution for this case. I agree with this statement, and this essay will describe how the high price of cigarettes can affect the consumption of this item, and secondly, how higher prices could lower the number of consumption. To begin with, higher excise on cigarettes has proven to be successful at curbing the harm caused by these substances. These policies that running by many countries have made the tobacco become an expensive thing that not worth the money to be spent for. Therefore, many people prefer to stop or minimize the frequency of smoking habits, and the number of people with respiratory problems are significantly decreased. For example, many developed countries such as Australia have the regulation that makes the price of tobacco is dramatically expensive compare with Indonesia. Hence, in 2017, the number of people struggling with lung cancer dropped in Australia, while it is rising gradually in Indonesia. Furthermore, the rising of the price is in line with the declining of people consuming fast food. People tend to buy junk food because it is cheap and simple. By increasing the price, junk food will soon become a luxury item and it would be consumed occasionally, and people may search for other alternatives because the price that fast food is not equal to the value it brings. For example, if the price of fast food is higher than fried rise and other healthier foods, people will prefer to choose the options because it more cheap and possibility has more portion than fast food. In conclusion, junk food prices should be increased because of the good precedent set by cigarettes and the fact that the increased cost will reduce the amount of fast food consumed by the society, and the results, might be reduce the percentage of overweight issues.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with obesity conditions are increasing over the period. It
is argued
that making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
higher is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
solution for this case. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
how the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of cigarettes can affect the consumption of this item, and
secondly
, how higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
could lower the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of consumption.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, higher excise on cigarettes has proven to be successful at curbing the harm caused by these substances. These policies that running by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have made the tobacco become an expensive thing that not worth the money to
be spent
for.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
or minimize the frequency of smoking habits, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with respiratory problems are
significantly
decreased.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
such as Australia have the regulation that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of tobacco is
dramatically
expensive compare with Indonesia.
Hence
, in 2017, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
struggling with lung cancer dropped in Australia, while it is rising
gradually
in Indonesia.

Furthermore
, the rising of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
is in line with the declining of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and simple. By increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
become a luxury item and it would
be consumed
occasionally
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may search for other alternatives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is not equal to the value it brings.
For example
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is higher than fried rise and other healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will prefer to choose the options
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
It seems that a verb is missing after "it". Please verify.
it
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and possibility has more portion than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
food.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
should
be increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
precedent set by cigarettes and the fact that the increased cost will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumed by the society, and the results, might be
Consider using the past participle "reduced"?
reduce
the percentage of overweight issues.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay more and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the price of fast foods will solve this problem. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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