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More and more companies are allowing employee to work at home. Do you think this is a positive or negative development v.1

More and more companies are allowing employee to work at home. Do you think this is a positive or negative development v. 1
We are already in industrialization era where many organizations are inventing a lot of types of measure that they can apply it in their work circumstances. Therefore, more companies have a tendency to permit their employees to work at home. I strongly believe their method will bring a buoyant development to their workers. Firstly, by working at each employee house I believe it can boost up workers work. Moreover, their house circumstances are more likely to have a better vibe rather than their workplace, because support from family while we work at home are feeling more soothing rather than in their office. In addition, there was a survey conducted by Professor Thomas, Abigail from Harvard University. He asked many workers on his house circumstances to participate in his survey and the result is 65% of them are feeling more comfortable working at their own house, and 25% of them are feeling more comfortable working in their workplace. While, the remaining 10% say that they are having fun in both places. Secondly, due to the fact that work in office can bring pressure and many kinds of unwell feelings. Therefore, many employees will accept the offer from their boss to work at their home because they can feel more relaxed and can work properly as they should. In addition, we can use our own measure to solve our work task. For example; I have a nephew, he is a programmer and currently he is a part of a famous programming office in USA. He always sits in front of his laptop every time he work and he never come to the office because he feels uncomfortable with the situation. All in all, working at our own house can bring many merits. But it is depended on each individuals
We are already in industrialization era where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
organizations are inventing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
types of measure that they can apply it in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
circumstances.
Therefore
, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have a tendency to permit their employees to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home. I
strongly
believe their method will bring a buoyant development to their workers.

Firstly
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at each employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
I believe it can boost up workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Moreover
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
circumstances are more likely to have a better vibe
rather
than their workplace,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
support from family while we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feeling
more soothing
rather
than in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
.
In addition
, there was a survey conducted by Professor Thomas, Abigail from Harvard University. He asked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers on his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
circumstances to participate in his survey and the result is 65% of them are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feeling
more comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
, and 25% of them are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feeling
more comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in their workplace.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, the remaining 10% say that they are having fun in both places.

Secondly
, due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
can bring pressure and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of unwell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feelings
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees will accept the offer from their boss to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at their home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can feel more relaxed and can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
properly
as they should.
In addition
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
measure to solve our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
task.
For example
; I have a nephew, he is a programmer and
currently
he is a part of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
programming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
. He always sits in front of his laptop every time he
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
he never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he feels uncomfortable with the situation.

All in all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it
is depended
on each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "individual"?
individuals
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more companies are allowing employee to work at home. Do you think this is a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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