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more and more children are suffering from sedentary lifestyles

more and more children are suffering from sedentary lifestyles 7pKw5
Nowaday, when technology is developing, more and more children are suffering from sedentary lifestyles. Some individuals believe that both schools and parents are responsible for dealing with this issue. And from my point of view, I completely agree with this and I believe that not only schools and parents but also teenagers need to take responsibility for themselves. It is true that unhealthy lifestyle is now a big problem for teenagers and there are many reasons why this trend is true. Firstly, children spend most of their time playing video games at home and do not go out. Due to the impact of the Covid-19 epidemic, the children were not allowed to go out. That has made it impossible for the children to go out to play sports or exercise outdoors. Furthermore, it will lead to a problem that the teenagers will just stay at home and have an unhealthy lifestyle. Secondly, children have a lot of stress from school work. There have been many children, because of the pressure of studying, that have suffered from many diseases such as depression, autism. . . According to The New York Times, approximately 23 percent of teenagers suffer from depression due to academic pressure. So what should parents and schools do to solve this problem? First of all, parents need to spend a lot of time confiding in their children. Instead of letting the children play games, parents can take the time to talk to them to get to know them better. In addition, teachers can create good habits for children. Because because of the fact that the children spend more time at school than at home. In conclusion, most teenagers will have a sedentary lifestyle, so they need to take care of parents and schools.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nowaday
, when technology is developing, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are suffering from sedentary lifestyles.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for dealing with this issue. And from my point of view, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this and I believe that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
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teenagers
need to take responsibility for themselves.

It is true that unhealthy lifestyle is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem for
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teenagers
and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why this trend is true.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing video games at home and do not go out. Due to the impact of the Covid-19 epidemic, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to go out. That has made it impossible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to go out to play sports or exercise outdoors.
Furthermore
, it will lead to a problem that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
stay at home and have an unhealthy lifestyle.

Secondly
,
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children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from
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school
work. There have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the pressure of studying, that have suffered from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases such as depression, autism.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
According to The New York
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Times
, approximately 23 percent of
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teenagers
suffer from depression due to academic pressure.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
what should
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parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do to solve this problem?
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
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parents
need to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
confiding in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Instead
of letting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play games,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to talk to them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know them better.
In addition
, teachers can create
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits for
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children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
the
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children
spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
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school
than at home.

In conclusion
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will have a sedentary lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they need to take care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
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IELTS essay more and more children are suffering from sedentary lifestyles

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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