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more and more children are spending more time inside house .is this positive or negative development ?

more and more children are spending more time inside house. is this positive or negative development? NrwRN
Technology has completely change the way of human lifestyle. Nowadays more and more pupils spend most of their time inside house watching tv or playing video games. This essay will discuss how this scenario putting adverse effect on children lifestyle. Firstly, children social interaction is almost lost. Children are spending their whole time in front of tv watching movies, video games that stop them to interact with outside world. For example, it is often seen that nowadays children are not seen in playgrounds as they used to be before instead they spend their free time inside house. Playgrounds and parks are seen empty now. In addition, pupils do not remain any interest meeting new people and make new friends. This less social interaction will become major concern for children in future as they are not aware of outside world. Thus children are becoming lonely. Secondly, children will be start suffering from many of health-related problems. Remain in house long hours and no physical activity will become the reason of many mental health-related problems. For instance, migraine, week eyesight and decreasing learning ability are major problems in most of children. In recent research done at Harvard University shows that, forty five percent of school students are suffering from diseases like migraine, week eyesight and major reason behind is watching long tv and not involvement in physical activities. Thus many of health-related problems occurred in children. In conclusion, staying in houses for long time not only become the reason of children less interaction with outside world but also bring so many health-related problems in children life. Thus certain steps should be taken by parents to not making this scenario more worse.
Technology has completely
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "changed".
change
the way of human lifestyle. Nowadays more and more pupils spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
inside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
or playing video games. This essay will discuss how this scenario putting adverse effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lifestyle.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
social interaction is almost lost.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are spending their whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
watching movies, video games that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them to interact with outside world.
For example
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in playgrounds as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
instead
they spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
inside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
. Playgrounds and parks are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
empty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
In addition
, pupils do not remain any interest meeting new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends. This less social interaction will become major concern for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in future as they are not aware of outside world.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are becoming lonely.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
suffering from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. Remain in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
long hours and no physical activity will become the reason of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mental health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
For instance
, migraine, week eyesight and decreasing learning ability are major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In recent research done at Harvard University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
forty five
percent of school students are suffering from diseases like migraine, week eyesight and major reason behind is watching long
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
and not involvement in physical activities.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
occurred in children.

In conclusion
, staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
houses
for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
become the reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
less interaction with outside world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
certain steps should
be taken
by parents to not making this scenario
Use only "worse" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more worse
.
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IELTS essay more and more children are spending more time inside house. is this positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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