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What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success

What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success 3a0Vn
There is a growing discourse that inequality indeed shapes how people get their personal success. On one hand, people agree that the more egalitarian a society is, the more possible for individual to fulfil their future goals. On the other hand, some others think that personal accomplishment is achievable only if an individual has a free will to succeed or fail for their own benefits. This essay will elaborate on how equality could give an impact on one’s personal achievement. Since education is a fundamental tool for someone to succeed, getting equal rights to access it surely provides more chances for people to accomplish their career goals. For instance, during the colonial period in Indonesia, only males were allowed to learn and go to school, while females had to stay at home doing domestic tasks and were prohibited to get such privilege. As a result, most of them became illiterate, could not find any decent work, and depended on men for financial support. However, in today's society, almost all countries in the world have enforced rights equality for everyone, no matter what sexuality or gender they identify with to obtain the same services and facilities in the education system. By implementing such a law, all individuals have the same opportunity to develop their skills and field interests to pursue their future careers. Hence, equality is really matters, especially for achieving personal triumph. To sum up, equality and individual success are related to each other from my point of view. In other words, people may have the independence to pursue their own dreams and to succeed if they are living in a society that can provide equal rights for every human being.
There is a growing discourse that inequality
indeed
shapes how
people
get
their
personal
success. On one hand,
people
agree
that the more egalitarian a society is, the more possible for
individual
to fulfil their future goals. On the
other
hand,
some
others
think
that
personal
accomplishment is achievable
only
if an
individual
has a free will to succeed or fail for their
own
benefits. This essay will elaborate on how
equality
could give an impact on one’s
personal
achievement.

Since education is a fundamental tool for someone to succeed, getting equal rights to access it
surely
provides more chances for
people
to accomplish their career goals.
For instance
, during the colonial period in Indonesia,
only
males were
allowed
to learn and go to school, while females had to stay at home doing domestic tasks and
were prohibited
to
get
such privilege.
As a result
, most of them became illiterate, could not find any decent work, and depended on
men
for financial support.

However
, in
today
's society, almost all countries in the world have enforced rights
equality
for everyone, no matter what sexuality or gender they identify with to obtain the same services and facilities in the education system. By implementing such a law, all
individuals
have the same opportunity to develop their
skills
and field interests to pursue their future careers.
Hence
,
equality
is
really
matters,
especially
for achieving
personal
triumph.

To sum up,
equality
and
individual
success
are related
to each
other
from my point of view. In
other
words,
people
may have the independence to pursue their
own
dreams and to succeed if they are living in a society that can provide equal rights for every human being.
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IELTS essay What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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