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Morality and Fame comparison

Morality and Fame comparison eEV5J
Nowadays, there is a tendency to judge the value of people from a materialistic perspective and traditional values such as honour, kindness and trust are not respected anymore. From my perspective, I completely agree that new generations disregard these values while judging a person's character. On the first hand, moral values that plays role in judgement of a person's character are perceived as outdated and traditional and i completely agree. Youth generations started to build their social values depending on the materialistic view that they were exposed over the internet during the last decade. This is probably due to the time they spend on the internet and social media. In the past, children were raised by their families with real moral values, but the internet takes over the role of parents nowadays and starts affecting their personal development. This fact imposes an unrealistic view that depends on social status and material possessions in their life view. For example, a teenager grows up by watching the whole life of a celebrity on YouTube instead of his parents and they tend to desire a life like celebrities. Therefore they develop themselves a materialistic character while they disregard real moral values and blend into society. On the other hand, moral values are still important in some communities, but the extent is limited to older generations and some part of work-life. Honesty, integrity and kindness still play an essential role to gain the trust of people. For example, it can not be dismissed that the worth of being credible and honest will leave a positive influence on job interviews because everyone would like to hire a man with good character. In conclusion, despite the importance of traditional values that embodies the base index in the judgement of a person's worth, but it can not be ignored that the perception of moral values shifted in money and the fame-oriented way.
Nowadays, there is a tendency to judge the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from a materialistic perspective and traditional values such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
, kindness and trust are not respected anymore. From my perspective, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that new generations disregard these values while judging a person's character.

On the
first
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moral
values that plays role in judgement of a person's character
are perceived
as outdated and traditional and
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. Youth generations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to build their social values depending on the materialistic view that they
were exposed
over the internet during the last decade. This is
probably
due to the time they spend on the internet and social media. In the past, children
were raised
by their families with real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moral
values,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the internet takes over the role of parents nowadays and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
affecting their personal development. This fact imposes an unrealistic view that depends on social status and material possessions in their life view.
For example
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
grows up by watching the whole life of a celebrity on YouTube
instead
of his
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they tend to desire a life like celebrities.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they develop themselves a materialistic character while they disregard real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moral
values and blend into society.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moral
values are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
communities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the extent
is limited
to older generations and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part of work-life. Honesty, integrity and kindness
still
play an essential role to gain the trust of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
, it can not
be dismissed
that the worth of being credible and honest will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on job interviews
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone would like to hire a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
character.

In conclusion
, despite the importance of traditional values that embodies the base index in the judgement of a person's worth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
that the perception of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moral
values shifted in money and the fame-oriented way.
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IELTS essay Morality and Fame comparison

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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