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Money influences workers but loyalty cannot be measured with salary. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Money influences workers but loyalty cannot be measured with salary. lLgy1
In recent decades, the question of whether money or loyalty has a stronger impact on workers has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although money is considered as one of the motivations for workers, there are many other factors that are essential than that. There are many reasons why money has a massive effect on workers. Firstly, because of the intensive labor market, people need to spend more time and strive harder. In fact, they need to have the abilities to support themselves and their families. Secondly, plenty of evidence suggests that workers do not achieve job satisfaction without money. This means that they do not have enough motivation to work, which negatively affects the productivity of workers. On the other hand, many other factors are more influential than money. One of the major factors is the working environment. This means that collaborative, team work, leadership can create a sense of comfort, which provides the best condition for their qualities. In addition, a number of workers strive in order to promote themselves and have more learning opportunities, which helps them develop themselves day by day. In conclusion, although I accept that money is the major reason why a great number of workers toil, there are many factors such as working environment and learning opportunities that are more essential. Moreover, these factors can lead to the loyalty of workers.
In recent decades,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
or loyalty has a stronger impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is considered
as one of the motivations for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that are essential than that.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has a massive effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the intensive labor market,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need to spend more time and strive harder. In fact, they need to have the abilities to support themselves and their families.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of evidence suggests that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
do not achieve job satisfaction without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This means that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
motivation to work, which
negatively
affects the productivity of workers.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are more influential than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. One of the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
is the working environment. This means that collaborative, team work, leadership can create a sense of comfort, which provides the best condition for their qualities.
In addition
, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
strive in order to promote themselves and have more learning opportunities, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them develop themselves day by day.

In conclusion
, although I accept that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the major reason why a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
toil, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as working environment and learning opportunities that are more essential.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
can lead to the loyalty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
.
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IELTS essay Money influences workers but loyalty cannot be measured with salary.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
230 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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