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many young people spend their time in shopping centers. This has a negative effect on the youth. to what extent you agree or disagree. v.2

many young people spend their time in shopping centers. This has a negative effect on the youth. v. 2
It has been noticed recently that shopping malls and markets are more crowded with teenagers than adults. In some people, s opinion this is causing bad impact on these youngsters. I strongly favor this view. This essay will elaborate my opinion with some examples. Firstly, It has been observed that mostly young children are seen in the shopping areas around their school time. This way sometimes they miss their classes. This can effect their education. At this young age it is very challenging for them to recognize long term effects of this carelessness. For a good carrier it is very important to focus on their goal at this crucial time. For example students in private schools are not allowed to leave their school in lunch time. In general it is seen that outcome of these disciplined school is much better then public school. In my opinion kids should use this time more for playing and entertainment rather then going for malls. Secondly, it is important to save money for education. There is a lot of distraction with expensive brands in markets. Sometime it can cause peer pressure on youngsters. Some people can not afford expensive cloths and shoes. It is effecting someone, s personality too. Some people try to get money by illegal ways. It would be nice to stay simple and spend more time in studying and building good carrier. In my opinion, It is important that youth should spend more time for their education and carrier at this time. It is easy to do online shopping now a days too. this way they have more options to buy their stuff with saving time and energy. Recently there are many websites offering free shipping. So it is the best way of saving time and energy.
It has
been noticed
recently that shopping malls and markets are more crowded with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
than adults. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
this is causing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on these youngsters. I
strongly
favor this view. This essay will elaborate my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples.

Firstly
, It has
been observed
that
mostly
young children are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the shopping areas around their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they miss their classes. This can effect their education. At this young age it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
challenging for them to recognize long term effects of this carelessness. For a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
carrier it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to focus on their goal at this crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For example
students in private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in lunch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In
The comma is probably missing here: "general, it".
general it
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that outcome of these disciplined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is much
Did you mean "better than"?
better then
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
kids should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
more for playing and entertainment
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
going for malls.

Secondly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to save money for education. There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
distraction with expensive brands in markets. Sometime it can cause peer pressure on youngsters.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can not afford expensive cloths and shoes. It is effecting someone, s personality too.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money by illegal ways. It would be nice to stay simple and spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in studying and building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
carrier.

In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that youth should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their education and carrier at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. It is easy to do online shopping
Did you mean "nowadays"?
now a days
too.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
way they have more options to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their stuff with saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy. Recently there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
websites offering free shipping.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is the best way of saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay many young people spend their time in shopping centers. This has a negative effect on the youth. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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