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Many young people spend more time shopping in the city than doing activities such as sports and listening to music. Advantage or disadvantage?

Many young people spend more time shopping in the city than doing activities such as sports and listening to music. Advantage or disadvantage? PRmGd
Whether youngsters prefer going shopping in the city to doing other activities when they have leisure time. While there are a few benefits for young people to go shopping regularly, the shortcomings to this trend are more significant. On the one hand, it is undeniable that there are many benefits from shopping of young people. If people buy more products, more taxes contribute to governments’ budget. Because the incomes of many goods increase due to rising customers’ demand, economic has more opportunities to develop. Besides, numerous shopping malls have recently been invested when aggregate demand grows day by day. However, it is necessary to limit budget for shopping of young people. Overspending money on things that are not necessary regularly leads to financial ruin. Spending without thinking about future can create troubles. Because we cannot predict what will happen, if we do have a good finance, we will not afford the difficulty situations. For example, in the covid-19 pandemic, many people died due to not having enough money to pay for their life and healthcare. Therefore, saving money can help people become financially secure and provide a safety net in case of emergency. Moreover, it is harmful to skip other activities such as sports and listening to music. It can help human improve both mental and physical heath. Particularly, while sports keep our bodies in a good shape, music releases stress from our work or study. In conclusion, although shopping has some benefits such as developing economic, younger people should spend more time doing other activities. They had better learn saving money because it might be a helpful way to prepare for the future.
Whether youngsters prefer going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in the city to doing other activities when they have leisure time. While there are a few benefits for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
regularly
, the shortcomings to this trend are more significant.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more products, more taxes contribute to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
’ budget.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the incomes of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
increase due to rising customers’ demand, economic has more opportunities to develop.
Besides
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls have recently
been invested
when aggregate demand grows day by day.

However
, it is necessary to limit budget for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Overspending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on things that are not necessary
regularly
leads to financial ruin. Spending without thinking about future can create troubles.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
we cannot predict what will happen, if we do have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
finance, we will not afford the difficulty situations.
For example
, in the
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid-19
pandemic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
due to not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay for their life and healthcare.
Therefore
, saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become
financially
secure and provide a safety net in case of emergency.
Moreover
, it is harmful to skip other activities such as sports and listening to music. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
both mental and physical heath.
Particularly
, while sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
our bodies in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
shape, music releases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from our work or study.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits such as developing economic, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should spend more time doing other activities. They had better learn saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it might be a helpful way to prepare for the future.

IELTS essay Many young people spend more time shopping in the city than doing activities such as sports and listening to music. Advantage or disadvantage?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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