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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can by done about this problem? v.19

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can by done about this problem? v. 19
There is no doubt that work consume a significant time of people's life. It is believed that numerous workers suffer from health issues, for they did not get much exercise while working or while enjoying their leisure time. In the following lines, the substantial reason will be discussed, and a viable solution will be offered. To begin with, technology negatively affects the workers' exercise time. This is because they resort to technological advances whenever they get free time. Not only do these gadgets enhance the sedentary lifestyle, but also they squander the worker's spare time without any positive outcome. Therefore, they acquire detrimental habits which are the stem of many ailments. This is exemplified by a research study conducted by the Faculty of Computer Science, Cairo University; the findings of the study have revealed that around 60% of the Egyptian workers opt to use their mobile phones during their spare time rather than doing some exercise. As a result, many of them suffer from obesity and heart diseases. However, there is a practical solution for this crisis. If the governments improve the exercise facilities, a plethora of workers will prioritise doing some exercise over using their cutting edge devices. To illustrate, the governments can subsidize these facilities in order to encourage the workers to achieve healthy lifestyle. Holland is an eminent example where the authorities provide the public with bicycles, so the laymen could utilize them in their daily routine. As a result, the public health in this country has significantly improved in last 10 years. In conclusion, although technological advances have substituted the workers' physical activity time, the governments funding role could mitigate this issue substantially.
There is no doubt that work consume a significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life. It
is believed
that numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
suffer from health issues, for they did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
while working or while enjoying their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In the following lines, the substantial reason will
be discussed
, and a viable solution will
be offered
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, technology
negatively
affects the workers'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they resort to technological advances whenever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do these gadgets enhance the sedentary lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they squander the worker's spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
without any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome.
Therefore
, they acquire detrimental habits which are the stem of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ailments. This
is exemplified
by a research study conducted by the Faculty of Computer Science, Cairo University; the findings of the study have revealed that around 60% of the Egyptian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their mobile phones during their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rather
than doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them suffer from obesity and heart diseases.

However
, there is a practical solution for this crisis. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities, a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
will
Possible spelling mistake. 'prioritise' is British English.
prioritise
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
over using their cutting edge devices. To illustrate, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can subsidize these facilities in order to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
to achieve healthy lifestyle. Holland is an eminent example where the authorities provide the public with bicycles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the laymen could utilize them in their daily routine.
As a result
, the public health in this country has
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
in last 10 years.

In conclusion
, although technological advances have substituted the workers' physical activity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
funding role could mitigate this issue
substantially
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can by done about this problem? v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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