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many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machine. does it development bring more advantage or disadvantage? v.1

many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machine. does it development bring more advantage or disadvantage? v. 1
It is irrefutable that celebrities and politicians are the most renowned people around the globe. While, celebrities do earn more in some countries in comparison to the politicians. I believe it is a positive development as it promotes professionalism. The entertainment industry, specifically movie culture is booming and mostly because of its global presence. Globalization has allowed the distributors to release movies around the world at the same time, generating worldwide revenues. To illustrate this, the Hollywood, generates two different revenue, one for the USA and another worldwide. Also, rights are sold to streaming partners such as Netflix or Amazon, adding more to the profits. These business models have helped the entertainment industry to generate higher income's for celebrities and everyone else working in the industry. This development is positive as it makes people realise that being a politician is a noble cause. Many politicians attain the throne just to earn money and show power, as they are least bothered about the development of the nation, something like this would help getting real people into politics. For example, in India, politics is considered a full time job and a great source of income, while in Netherlands, it is considered a social service. It is because, politicians in Netherlands show zeal for the development and not attaining self procurement. Politicians should adopt to work in limited salary as perks are great to go with it. In conclusion, celebrities earn a lot more than politicians because of the business and revenue models. While, politics is a cause not a profession and should not be weighed with salary.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are the most renowned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the globe.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do earn more in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries
in comparison
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. I believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
as it promotes professionalism.

The entertainment industry,
specifically
movie culture is booming and
mostly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its global presence. Globalization has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
the distributors to release movies around the world at the same time, generating worldwide revenues. To illustrate this, the Hollywood, generates two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
revenue, one for the USA and another worldwide.
Also
, rights
are sold
to streaming partners such as Netflix or Amazon, adding more to the profits. These business models have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the entertainment industry to generate higher income's for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and everyone else working in the industry.

This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politician
is a noble cause.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
attain the throne
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to earn money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
power, as they are least bothered about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the nation, something like this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to get" or "get".
getting
real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
into politics.
For example
, in India, politics
is considered
a full time job and a great source of income, while
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the Netherlands".
in Netherlands
, it
is considered
a social service. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
in Netherlands
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
zeal for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and not attaining self procurement.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Politicians
should
Did you mean "adapt to"?
adopt to
work in limited salary as perks are great to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
it.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
earn a lot more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the business and revenue models. While, politics is a cause not a profession and should not
be weighed
with salary.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machine. does it development bring more advantage or disadvantage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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