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Many Teenagers now have their own smartphone. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your own opinion v.1

Many Teenagers now have their own smartphone. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your own opinion v. 1
Nowadays, a smartphone is being owned by many adolescents. While overuse of a smartphone result in teens poor performance in education, I believe that these electronic devices help in younger ones safety. The main benefit of using a smartphone by boys and girls is that they provide safety. This is to say that there are several applications such as Whatsapp, Viber, Track it, are few of them which are not only used for video calling or chatting, but can also be used for sharing their location. So that parents can track their child's location and can alert emergency services or police department if something goes wrong. For example, California police department in a report said that they were able to crackdown 50% of missing cases with the help of the location shared with their parents. In my opinion, younger ones should be given access to a smartphone as they are helpful in safeguarding them. Overuse of a smartphone by youth means they are likely to perform poorly in education. There are several applications that they give endless fun and entertainment to them. So they will get addicted to these electronic devices, thus spending an extended period of time using them, As a result, they have poor educational performance. For instance, a research study by the Department of Education in USA found that 70% of students who failed in their last year grade were spending about 8 to 10 hours of their daily time on operating phone. I believe that, even though they have drawbacks, their impact on youth can be lessened by giving them limited access to devices such as the iPhone. To conclude, although too much use of a smartphone has a negative effect on younger one's education, they also provide safety for them, which is much needed for anyone so they should be given access to use them.
Nowadays, a smartphone is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adolescents. While overuse of a smartphone result in teens poor performance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, I believe that these electronic devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
safety.

The main benefit of using a smartphone by boys and girls is that they provide safety. This is to say that there are several applications such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viber
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Track
it, are few of them which are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for video calling or chatting,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for sharing their location.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
their child's location and can alert emergency services or police department if something goes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
For example
, California police department in a report said that they were able to crackdown 50% of missing cases with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the location shared with their parents. In my opinion, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
access to a smartphone as they are helpful in safeguarding them.

Overuse of a smartphone by youth means they are likely to perform
poorly
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. There are several applications that they give endless fun and entertainment to them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to these electronic devices,
thus
spending an extended period of time using them,
As a result
, they have poor educational performance.
For instance
, a research study by the Department of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
found that 70% of students who failed in their last year grade were spending about 8 to 10 hours of their daily time on operating phone. I believe that,
even though
they have drawbacks, their impact on youth can
be lessened
by giving them limited access to devices such as the iPhone.

To conclude
, although too much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of a smartphone has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on younger one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, they
also
provide safety for them, which is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
much needed
for anyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
access to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many Teenagers now have their own smartphone. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your own opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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