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Many students take part-time jobs while studying in university. Do advantages outweigh disadvantages? v.2

Many students take part-time jobs while studying in university. Do advantages outweigh disadvantages? v. 2
In the recent years, it has been regarded as a trendy phenomenon that many students take advantage of redundant time in the university to get involved in working environment as a half-day labor. From my personal perspective, I believe its benefits exceeds its detriment and several reasons will be put up with to prove my opinion in the following paragraphs. First of all, the negative upshot can be elucidated when many university students are in search of part-time occupation. More specifically, when they make a decision to seek a job as part-time, it is necessary to take time allocation for studying at university and working out there into consideration. If college students squander a plethora of time for their own job, academic performance can be partly or even totally exacerbated. In the long run, it is more likely that students are expelled from school or drop out of school because of their bad result of the schooling. However, the advantages a part-time work yields surpass excessively the disadvantages it does. Firstly, having a meaningful and oriented job in the free time, students will get a thorough preparation for an official or full-time occupation after graduation. They seize the opportunities to apply theoretical knowledge which is gradually accumulated at university into the practical cases. Moreover, engaging in the professional working environment at a very young age can be a priceless chance to be familiar with the work style and the workload in the office. Therefore, it probably comes as no surprise when after having graduated, students officially kick their career off. In conclusion, when it comes to a part-time work during university period, I totally concur that the positive side outweighs the negative one because the resultant contributions it makes to students' career.
In the recent years, it has
been regarded
as a trendy phenomenon that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
take advantage of redundant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in working environment as a half-day labor. From my personal perspective, I believe its benefits exceeds its detriment and several reasons will
be put
up with to prove my opinion in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
upshot can
be elucidated
when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are in search of part-time occupation. More
specifically
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision to seek a job as part-time, it is necessary to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
allocation for studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
and working out there into consideration. If college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
squander a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
job, academic performance can be partly or even
totally
exacerbated. In the long run, it is more likely that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are expelled
from school or drop out of school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
result of the schooling.

However
, the advantages a part-time work yields surpass
excessively
the disadvantages it does.
Firstly
, having a meaningful and oriented job in the free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a thorough preparation for an official or full-time occupation after graduation. They seize the opportunities to apply theoretical knowledge which is
gradually
accumulated at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
into the practical cases.
Moreover
, engaging in the professional working environment at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age can be a priceless chance to be familiar with the work style and the workload in the office.
Therefore
, it
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
as no surprise when after having graduated,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
officially
kick their career off.

In conclusion
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to a part-time work during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
period, I
totally
concur that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side outweighs the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the resultant contributions it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; career.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many students take part-time jobs while studying in university. Do advantages outweigh disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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