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many students take part-time jobs when they study at university. Do the advantages of this trend far outweigh the disadvantages?

many students take part-time jobs when they study at university. Do the advantages of this trend far outweigh the disadvantages? VwxO7
Tertiary education has long been perceived as an intrinsic part in the development of young people. However, the fact is that focusing solely on studies is not a common choice of students since many of them do part-time work to accumulate experience. This essay will examine the pros and cons of this practice in depth. To begin with, there are surely some benefits that students may enjoy from this tendency. First of all, part-time work allows students to experience the real workplace with all potential challenges as well as joy so that they may accumulate work experience which is of great use to their future employment. For example, many students work as waiters or servers in coffee shops or restaurants but they can form a professional manner and they know how to please customers as well as how to deal with tough situations, which will help them a lot later on. Besides, only by working to make a living can young people realize the values of money and how much their parents have sacrificed for them. As a result, some students may become more responsible and have better attitudes towards their parents and what they receive from their families. Some students may even earn some money to support themselves and finance their studies rather than rely totally on parents’ support. Evidence shows that the majority of Vietnamese students do part-time jobs when studying overseas basically because they want to share the expenditures with parents. This trend is, however, not totally free from drawbacks. The primary challenge is the fact that this work may interfere in students’ studies and some students may spend too much time on their work, leading to the lack of time for their major mission at school and for relaxation as well. A recent survey conducted in Australia shows that some students seem tired at lecture halls mainly because they have to work far into the night with their part-time jobs. Hence, the authorities have enacted some legislations and regulations to control the amount of time that international students are allowed to work. Some students even mistakenly believe that they can earn a big sum of money and save some to send home to their parents but the fact remains that their academic performance is the most important thing to their parents. No matter what students do, their schooling should be regarded as the highest priority and success just comes to those who focus on their major goal. In conclusion, it is evident that this choice may pose some risks to some students but I am firmly convinced that its merits far outweigh such trivial challenges. Hence, this development should be encouraged although students should always focus on their studies as their main duty.
Tertiary education has long
been perceived
as an intrinsic part in the development of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
, the fact is that focusing
solely
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
is not a common choice of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to accumulate experience. This essay will examine the pros and cons of this practice in depth.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
surely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may enjoy from this tendency.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to experience the real workplace with all potential challenges
as well
as joy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they may accumulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience which is of great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to their future employment.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as waiters or servers in coffee shops or restaurants
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can form a professional
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
manner and
they know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
customers
as well
as how to deal with tough situations, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them a lot later on.
Besides
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by working to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living can young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
realize the values of money and how much their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have sacrificed for them.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may become more responsible and have better attitudes towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and what they receive from their families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may even earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money to support themselves and finance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
rather
than rely
totally
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
support. Evidence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the majority of Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do part-time jobs when studying overseas
basically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to share the expenditures with parents.

This trend is,
however
, not
totally
free from drawbacks. The primary challenge is the fact that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
may interfere in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may spend too much time on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, leading to the lack of time for their major mission at school and for relaxation
as well
. A recent survey conducted in Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
seem tired at lecture halls
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
far into the night with their part-time jobs.
Hence
, the authorities have enacted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
legislations
and regulations to control the amount of time that international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
even
mistakenly
believe that they can earn a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
sum of money and save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
home to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the fact remains that their academic performance is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. No matter what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do, their schooling should
be regarded
as the highest priority and success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to those who focus on their major goal.

In conclusion
, it is evident that this choice may pose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I am
firmly
convinced that its merits far outweigh such trivial challenges.
Hence
, this development should
be encouraged
although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should always focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
as their main duty.
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Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay many students take part-time jobs when they study at university. Do the advantages of this trend far outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
457 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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